I am big fan of the book Parenting With Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. The focus of the book is on teaching children responsibility, and the authors point out that human beings learn best through making mistakes. When we have the freedom to make the wrong choice, we learn from the logical consequences of our actions and then make a better choice the next time.

One example they provide is when your child does not want to wear a jacket in cold weather. They suggest that you allow your child to make this choice for himself and say nothing. The child will learn on his own that it is a good idea to wear a jacket the next time it is cold outside. They suggest that you allow the logical consequences to do the teaching and resist the urge to say, "I told you so."

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If you are parenting an adopted child with special needs, you will need to take those special needs into account before allowing a logical consequence. For example, because my son has asthma that can be triggered by cold weather, I would not allow him to experience the logical consequence of going out without a coat. An asthma attack is too steep of a price to pay. Logical consequences are not a good discipline tool whenever someone can be hurt or somebody's property can be damaged.

Many adoptive parents who have adopted children with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) report issues with their children being destructive, including smearing feces on the walls. You will need to use your discretion about when allowing a child to experience logical consequences is an effective discipline tool and when it is not. Many of these behaviors fall outside the realm of this theory of discipline.

I often resist the urge to step in when my son has a conflict with another child. Instead, I watch how my son handles the situation. If it gets out of control, of course I will step in. However, I have been amazed at my son's ability to work out conflicts with his peers on his own without my intervention. There have been times when another child has put my son in his place, which was deserved. There have also been times in which my son faced an unfair situation and resolved it on his own. He would not have had the opportunity to learn these skills if I intervened every time.

While this can work with a child who has not endured trauma, I would caution you against stepping back if you are parenting an adopted child who was traumatized. The child needs to know that you "have his back" and that you will keep him safe. Also, if you are parenting two or more children who have suffered trauma, you will want to intervene before things get out of hand. Children who have been physically abused are aware of much more brutal ways to end conflicts than your average child.

I really like using logical consequences with my son because I can sit back and let my son figure things out on his own. Also, it can be much more fun to watch him work through an issue instead of imposing external consequences. I have found that my son truly does learn best when he is given the freedom to make the wrong choice, experiences the logical consequences, and then makes the right choice the next time.

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Consequences posts on Adoptive Parenting blog