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As with any type of parenting, you often get blindsided by oddball issues that you just don’t know how to handle. One such issue presented itself tonight, and I think I handled it all wrong!
When we adopted our children, we kept their last names as their middle names. For my son, we took his first and middle names (both short names) and made it into one hyphenated name, and left his previous last name as his middle name. I wasn’t crazy about how it sounded, but, I wanted them to have some sense of “normalcy” and at their ages (respectively 4 and 5 at the time) they were already used to the names, so to change them would be weird for them.
My daughter was another case entirely. She had a first name that was largely unused (except for medical or other official documents). So, to keep the name length manageable, because these were not two short names like her brother, we axed the first (unused) name. Her middle name, the name everyone used, including herself, became her first name, and her last name became her middle name (it differs from her brother’s), and is really a beautiful melodious name. But, I have to confess, I always hated her first name. And, while explaining the “whys” and “wherefores” of the name change to her birth mother, I found out something shocking! She hated the first name, too! My daughter’s birth father really wanted the name.
So what did I do today? Well, though my daughter never used the name, she knew it. And she often talks about it, though usually just to family. Tonight, she wanted to announce it to her friends from Bible class. I stepped in and prevented it. Her friend asked again, and I pulled my daughter aside and let her friend go on. But how could I explain why I didn’t want her to divulge the name? I just lamely explained that that was part of her life “before“, and we’re at the “after” portion of the show.
How would you have handled it?
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What a neat idea, combining the two short names into one. Our 10 yo daughter we adopted in November really wanted to change her name to her middle name. However, everyone already knew her by her first name because we fostered her. We still let her change it and she asked all of her friends to call her by the new name. Unexpectedly, her maternal grandfather was very upset and refused to talk to her after that. Many of her birth family members still call her by the previous first name and she doesn’t correct them. They all know that she was the one who insisted on changing her name, my husband and his father really tried to talk her out of it. Don’t you think it is a little rude of them to not accept her choice of names?
It’s hard to say, you know? Because at that age, kids go through so many phases. My kids constantly tell me what they are going to name their own children, and it changes all the time!
And, there may be more at play than just the name change. The birth family may feel they are being “replaced” or are having insecurities because they may feel “left out” or that the child is going to transfer all of their affection to you.
So, without an open, honest dialog about it, it’s hard to know. Do yuo have a close enough relationship with them to talk about it?
My husband and I are about to adopt four children and we want their names to be significant to both us and the birth family. What we decided to do is keep one name from the birth family, one name of significance to us and one Christian name and of course our last name. We want the children to be part of their name and to help create it with our help. Do you all think this is a good idea? Because of the circumstances of their being taken from the family they will have no contact with the birth family members.
Sounds like a good compromise.