In my post, Adoption Regrets: Manipulations, readers shared in the comments their own stories of having important health history information withheld until after the adoption was finalized. One reader posted the following question:

I am still stumped as to how to process anger and bitterness, and grief and regret . . . Do you have any suggestions for how to "make the best of it" and get on the other side of the negative feelings? – Scrapsbynobody from Adoption Regrets: Manipulations

Nancy, our Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) blogger, and John, a longtime reader, provided some good advice, which you can read in the comments. I would like to elaborate on their advice and provide some of my own.

1. Do what you can to keep your family as functional as possible.

Nancy's advice was –

You need to do whatever you can to keep the healthy family members healthy and not derail the healthy members' lives any more than possible.

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Do this by talking with other experienced parents about how they minimize the damage inflicted upon the healthy family members. Sometimes this involves following the advice of your doctor or psychologist. In extreme cases, this involves seeking residential treatment for a child who is out of control.

2. Take things one day at a time.

Nancy's advice was –

You need to take it one day at a time and don't get overwhelmed wondering how you will make it to the magical 18.

I sometimes have to take it one minute at a time with my son's Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). I also have to remember during the bad times that not all times are bad. I will slip into despair if I think about the next several years, so I need to break it down into chunks of time that I can handle.

3. Make lemonade out of life's lemons.

Nancy's advice was –

You need to let go of any guilt for the feelings you have, and focus more on how to redirect those feelings into something more positive ... making lemonade out of lemons.

I have made lemonade out of life's lemons by helping others. I talk to people who are just starting out a painful journey and show them the way out (or the way to endurance). You will be surprised by how much you have to offer newbie parents who are in the same boat because of your experiences to date. Also, as I see that other parents have nothing to feel guilty about, I reassure myself that I need not feel guilty, either. Even when your situation feels hopeless, you can find value in your situation by helping others.

4. Talk with experienced parents.

Nancy's advice was –

AND you need to do what you are already doing ... find support and validation amongst others who have been there, done that.

For me, this is the most important advice. I find that the people who have experienced a similar situation are much more empathetic and give me the hope that I can survive what I am facing.

5. Let go of the bitterness.

John's advice was –

Bitter at the worker? You bet, but that only made me more miserable. Everyone said 'sue um'. Lawsuits take time and raising a very damaged child takes time, he came first.

You have every right to be angry about being manipulated. However, holding onto that bitterness will only hurt you, not the manipulator. Regardless of how you got into this position, you have a child who needs your energy. Take the energy you are putting into hating your manipulator and channel it toward helping your child heal and/or maintaining your own sanity. No, this is not easy to do, and it will take a lot of practice.

6. Remember that you are still the best parent your child has.

John's advice was –

Yes, I wish I didn't have to live this, but if I didn't, my son would not have anyone. Despite the problems and the limited future, we are family and that is the way it is supposed to be.

Think about where your child would be today if not for you. Even if you feel inadequate, you are still putting forth much more energy toward helping your child heal than any other person on the planet. You are throwing your child a lifeline, even if he does not acknowledge it as such.

My situation is different in that I was not manipulated. However, I am still parenting a child who has an issue (ADHD) that I feel ill-equipped to handle. I have shed so many tears over how to parent him. This week, a friend said exactly what I needed to hear: "God brought you into his life because you are what he needed. Another mother would not have poured herself into him like you have." Even though I still feel overwhelmed by my son's issues, her words have given me the encouragement I need to keep doing the best I can to help my son.

7. Celebrate the successes.

Scrapsbynobody said –

We are being told that we are doing everything right, and that we have made tremendous progress while the children have been with us. On a good day I catch glimpses of that.

I was a traumatized child, so I understand the extent of the damage. Even though you might not see the progress you hope for, your efforts are not in vain. You are planting seeds that will hopefully take root and blossom into healing, if not in childhood, then in adulthood. Your children are a leg up from where I was at their age because of your love and commitment to them.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt