Although I always try to emphasize the positive adoption experience, I am well aware that a significant number of adoptions are fraught with complications. Often, one of the complications that I read and hear about is the overt rejection of one or both of the adoptive parents by the adopted child. There are anecdotal accounts that when this phenomenon occurs, the mother is more often rejected than the father. While many people may believe this would only be a problem with older adopted children, it is something that can and does happen with children who are as young as preschool age and toddlers, even.

Whether older children show their rejection of an adoptive parent in overtly defiant ways, or in passive and subtle ways, the message is usually unmistakable. When a very young child rejects an adoptive parent, the parents may be confused or misinterpret the child's rejection cues. In some instances, parents may not even realize that they are being rejected. Instead, they may attribute the child's "unusual" behaviors to some other factor. In many instances they may be convinced they are doing something wrong to cause their child's behaviors.

Here are some rejecting behaviors that toddlers and preschoolers may exhibit. The list is by no means exhaustive:

* refusal to make eye contact with parent but may do so with others

* Refusal to respond when name is called by parent but may be responsive
to others.

* Refusal to follow requests or directives when given by parents.

* Overtly rejecting overtures of physical intimacy (hugging, kissing)
initiated by parent.

* Lack of spontaneous joy in when interacting with parent displaying
playful behavior.

* Shows no interest in parent when parent returns after a prolonged
absence.

* Pushes parent away when parent approaches.

* Arches back and looks away when parent approaches.

Some of these behaviors can be indicators of other serious disturbances in a child, so it should not be assumed that they reflect a child's attempt to reject a parent. Also, there are less dramatic and subtle ways a child can reject a parent, such as exhibiting quiet and withdrawn behavior around the parent but appearing to be much more engaging with others, even strangers. The bottom line is that child rejection of a parent is a very serious matter that warrants immediate attention.

It is important for parents to seek professional help if they sense that their child is in some way thwarting the development of a healthy parent-child relationship. The parent may believe that he or she is doing something wrong, or is in some way preventing a close bond from forming. It is important to follow up such concerns with a professional to help you properly assess the situation and to identify strategies to assist.

Most importantly, do not let your anxiety and/or your fears that something may be wrong prevent you from reaching out for assistance. The most important mistake to avoid in a situation like this is trying to "wait it out" to see if "things change." The sooner you identify whether there is a problem and what to do about it, the better.

For more detailed information read this article: When Adopted Toddlers Reject Their Parents by Mary Hopkins-Best, author of Todder Adoption: The Weaver's Craft.