Adoptive Parenting, Child Parenting - Dealing with "Real Mom" Comments from Adults

11/30/07

Dealing with "Real Mom" Comments from Adults

Posted by : Faith Allen in Adoptive Parenting Blog at 05:20 am , 391 words, 224 views
Categories: Terminology

We had some discussion going on my post, Adopted Child and "Not My Real Mom" Comments, about my son using the term "real mom" when he is referring to his birthmother. I have chosen to let him call her whatever he wants. I refer to her as his birthmother, and I am not taking offense when he calls her his "real mom" because I know he does not mean it as a slight to me. He is just a little kid, and having "two moms" is a big concept to grasp.

However, it really does irk me when adults refer to my son's birthmother as his "real mom." Again, I know they don't mean this as a slight, but I just want to say, "HELLO!?!! Am I not real? It sure felt real when I was up at 3:00 a.m. nursing his latest ear infection!"

Whenever somebody asks me something about my son's birthmother and calls her his "real mom," I politely correct her and answer the question. For example, someone might ask if I ever met my son's "real mom." I will reply, "You mean his birthmother? Yes, we met when she was still pregnant, and I really liked her."

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Let me clarify that I do believe that she is his "real mom." I am sure that motherhood felt quite "real" during labor and delivery. However, I am his "real mom," too, and I do not like feeling as if I am the stand-in "fake mom." Again, I know that most people do not mean this when they say "real mom" to me: They just do not know what else to call her.

Still, I admit it – It irks me, and I do not know how to educate the general public about respectful adoption language other than to do what I am already doing. Most people who are not part of the adoption triad (or seeking to become a part of it) are unlikely to read my adoption blogs. I can educate people as I go, but that can get tiresome.

Regardless of what anyone calls me, I know that everyone in our lives does view me as my son's "real mom." I am too active in his life for any other term to fit!

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: suebie [Member]

I understand this frustration, though I also realize that this is just ignorance on the part of the public. No harm intended. But if your child knows the correct terminology, he/she can help spread the word.
When we got our daughter, she was 10. If she called her birth mom her "real mom" I would ask her to pinch me because I thought I was real. She'd roll her eyes and correct herself. Lately, she has referred to her birthmom as her "ex-mom." She uses this mostly with friends. I found this interesting and a little humorous...though I don't think her birth mom would think so.
Also, there's an old regional commercial where they talked about "frozen, imitation" ingredients vs. fresh. So, I like to make a smarty pants comment to that effect..."Would that make me the frozen, imitation mother?"
I like humor. Even if it's crass and insensitive, it helps us cope.
Keep up the good fight.

Permalink 11/30/07 @ 15:14

Comment from: Faith Allen [Member]

· http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/

I love your sense of humor!! LOL

- Faith

Permalink 11/30/07 @ 17:05

Comment from: littletwig [Member]

Hi I am an adoted child and a birthmother. No matter what your son calls his birthmother you are his real mother. I have always believed as an adopted child and now as a birth mother I gave my twins life their mother is teaching them how to live it. I think of myself as their oven.

Permalink 07/16/08 @ 19:33

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