As an adoptive parent, you might struggle with feelings of anger toward your child's birthparent. If your child's birthparent abused or neglected your child, you might feel very angry about the damage that the abuse or neglect inflicted upon your child. Also, if you adopted a child whose birthmother's prenatal choices resulted in physical damage to the child's body, you might feel angry toward the birthmother.

It is normal for an adoptive parent to feel angry about having to deal with the aftermath of bad choices that a birthparent made that damaged a child. Whether the damage manifested as reactive attachment disorder (RAD) as a result of abuse or as fetal alcohol syndrome from the birthmother's choice to drink during her pregnancy, it is normal for an adoptive parent to feel angry that his child is having to pay the price. It is also normal to feel angry about the extra work that you must put into parenting because of these choices.

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If you do have feelings of anger toward your child's birthparent, what should you do about it? The best thing you can do is give your anger a voice in a way that is least destructive to yourself or anyone else, particularly your child. Badmouthing the birthparent to your child is destructive to the child, even when all of your points are valid ones. It is your responsibility as a parent to find a way to manage your anger: This is not your child's job.

So, how can you do this? Try writing a letter to the birthparent that you do not intend to send. Because nobody else will ever read it, you can remove all filters and say whatever it is you want to say in whatever way you want to say it. Writing a letter to vent your emotions can be very freeing, providing that you keep it private. After you get the words out on paper, burn the letter so nobody, especially your child, will ever read it.

Another way to manage your anger is to do something physical, such as taking a kickboxing class or beating the ground with a baseball bat. Doing something physical helps give your anger a way to manifest itself rather than being stuffed down inside.

After you give your anger a voice, it is time to let go. Do not fall into the trap of nursing the bitterness because it will only damage you, not the birthparent. Life is too short to spend nursing a grudge, even when the grudge is legitimate. Instead, choose to live your life and enjoy your child without thinking about the birthparent who harmed your child. Doing so is healthier for both you and your child.

Related Topics:

• Speaking Ill of Adopted Child’s Birthparents


• Emotions of Adoption: Anger