Adoptive Parenting, Child Parenting

10/17/06

Date Night

Posted by : Lauri in Adoptive Parenting Blog at 05:47 am , 421 words, 147 views
Categories: Team Parenting/Marriage

We have not had a date night since coming home from Russia with our daughter. We have been home since March 30th. My problem is that I am not ready to leave my daughter with anyone. The only time I left her was when John was in the ICU and they would not allow me to bring her to visit. She was not as strongly attached to me then, we had not even been home for 3 weeks before John got sick. I did not want to leave her then either but I needed to see how my husband was doing and talk to the Physician.I did not have much of a choice.

My sister is practically begging to watch her; she lives on the other side of town and does not get to see her very often. I have some valid fears for not wanting to leave her yet. She does not see our family very much .She is getting more comfortable around people but she is very attached to us. She has recently become very shy and if anyone talks to her she points to me and says “ Mama” and hides her head in my shoulder. I’m afraid to cause her stress and have a setback with her attachment.

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My husband thinks it will encourage her attachment and teach her that we leave and we come back. So far we have had family date nights by taking Livi to our favorite restaurants, but honestly how much romance can one have with a toddler in tow. That’s what this is all about… trying to rekindle a little romance and remembering that we are more than Mama & Papa. I almost want to find a trained & trustworthy teenager in area that can come over for short bursts at a time and slowly build a relationship. I think having someone baby-sit in our home would be much less traumatic then us dropping her off at my sisters home.

My daughter has never been to my sister’s house, and has only visited my mother’s home & sister in laws home once in seven months. I think I’m going to check out our local high school or private girls school to see if I can find a sitter. I would like to have a monthly date night with my husband. How do you find time for dates? How do you get over your fear of separation?

Picture: The last time we got dressed up & actually danced October 2003- a friends wedding.

7 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: Sharlene [Member]

· http://older-child.adoptionblogs.com/

Lauri,

I know you may have fears. I am sure if you talk to your sister about your fears that she would come to your house once a month and watch your little one.

It is better for children to have two parent families and if you do not make time for your husband. Then you jeopardize the most precious thing you have. Your marriage. That is one of your childs best comforts to have both of you together and happy.

So check out a neighbor or ask that sister. You and daddy need more dance time. Especially if he has been ill. Time is the most precious thing on earth to people who have gone through an illness.

Good Luck
Sharlene

Permalink 10/17/06 @ 05:50

Comment from: princess421 [Member]

Is that from my sister's wedding? Anyway, we can always help out and watch Olivia. You know Jaclyn loves to play with her. And if you want to have her learn that you will come back even at someone's house she could come over.
With all of that said, we don't do date nights. We are such home bodies. And if we want to go to dinner or whatever we always want to take Jaclyn. We have gone places without her also but never for the whole night. That is mostly me not wanting to leave her the entire night. Plus even though she wants to stay over someone's house she thinks that means I am sleeping over also. Not. I guess after my rambling I am trying to say I understand the seperation anxiety.

Lauren :)

Permalink 10/17/06 @ 08:46

Comment from: princess421 [Member]

Oh, I just noticed the chicken dance Elmo in the background. That was my sister's wedding. he he

Lauren

Permalink 10/17/06 @ 08:47

Comment from: Michelle Vandepas [Member]

· http://fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com/

We couldn't leave K for over two years as she had SUCH separation anxiety. That's ok, we just didn't leave her hardly at all.

When we did have to, we brought someone into our home so it was easier for her.

Now at almost three, she is pretty much grown out of it and I'm glad we waited until she was secure.

Permalink 10/17/06 @ 09:05

Comment from: Mary Owlhaven [Member]

· http://ethiopia.adoptionblogs.com/

Lauri,

Here's my take. We moms tend to have instincts about our kids that no one else has. I personally have found that WHEN MY KIDS ARE READY to be away fom me, my anxiety about leaving them diminishes. My adopted kids all came home between 4 and 20 months, and it took me a year or more each time before I left them. Attachment is SOOOO important and crucial-- why risk it?

If you are feeling highly anxious about leaving your daughter, then she probably is not ready yet. Truly, she has been home a very short time. Why not make it a New Years' resolution to reassess, see if you and she are closer to ready, and then go from there, aiming to resume dating within a few months after that?

Whoever she stays with when you are gone should be someone very familiar. Maybe between now and then, you could spend some more time with your sister, or whoever you are likely to use as a sitter, and get your daughter more familiar. I would not push her to stay with your sister til she is very comfy with her, though.

And, the truth is, 'date nights' are not absolutely essential to a happy marriage. You can nurture your relationship with a special dinner after your child is in bed, time in the morning over coffee, or a dozen tiny text messages during the day. There is nothing particularly magical about a 'date', despite what popular culture tells us....

Mary, mom to 8 (4 adopted), married 20 years

Permalink 10/17/06 @ 09:06

Comment from: Lauri [Member]

· http://adoptive-parenting.adoptionblogs.com/

Mary (owlhaven)

You pegged exactly what Im getting at... im just not ready and I dont think she is ready... thanks for commenting and reminding me to trust my instincts.

Sharlene,

I agree... I really want to nuture my marriage and set a good example.

Lauren,
yes that is you sisters wedding & thanks for the offer

Michelle,

Glad to know its not only me... my daughter has separation anxiety as well

Thanks for the feedback... Im loving these comments

Permalink 10/17/06 @ 10:00

Comment from: Lori [Member]

Date? What is that?

I can honestly say that Rico and I have only had a handful of "dates" since Joey was born 8 years ago. For a variety of reasons.

We do home dates, game night or movie night after the kids are in bed.

For now it works. We still have one of the most solid marriages I know of. We get along well, we enjoy each other, we enjoy our family.

Lori

Permalink 10/17/06 @ 17:01

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