e-mail
A disclaimer for this post: I do understand that there are many types of parenting relationships. There are same-sex parents, single parents, married parents, separated parents, and others. For simplicity, I will refer to marriage in this post when talking about the parenting relationship.
Challenges in a marriage will either make a couple stronger or tear them apart. Children who have emotional struggles due to past experiences are a challenge to a marriage. Sometimes kids will directly attack the marriage relationship, attempting to divide and conquer. Sometimes it is merely the stress of parenting challenging children that will eat away at the foundation of a marriage.
For children who have never seen a good example of a strong marriage, it is important to clearly define the marriage as the most important relationship in the home. As harsh as some of my suggestions may sound, it is essential for your child to understand the priority you place on your marriage.
Never let your child interrupt hugs between you and your spouse, placing themselves in the middle. Do not invite your child into your bed. If you are snuggling on the couch, have your child choose to snuggle either with mommy or with daddy but not in between. Touch each other lovingly and often, at least ten times a day, in front of your child. These types of things help to model a healthy adult relationship. Doing these things will help your child to understand what it looks like to lovingly treat the opposite gender.
Sometimes you may feel like you should be focusing your affection and attention on your child because they have been through so much. I understand that desire and empathize with you. When our first son came, even though I had been made aware of these suggestions, I wanted to surround him with my love. Because he never understood what love in a motherly context looks like, he began to treat me like I was his property. Spending time with my husband would make him jealous. He had never seen a model for a loving parent nor had he seen a loving couple. He only knew what “possession” of a woman looked like. By focusing my attention on him, he understood that to mean that I belonged to him. When I made a concerted effort to model, even over accentuate, my loving marriage, he began to understand that my husband was the person I “belong” to. We talked with him about what marriage means. I explained to him that after he was grown and had a beautiful wife of his own, I would still be with hubby because we are one unit. All of these things together helped T to develop a healthy sense of what a family looks like and how a family interacts.
Another way to develop a strong bond with your spouse, preventing your child from attempting to divide you involves the way you disagree. Always make decisions concerning your child together. Never appear to be divided on a subject, even if you are. You can disagree all you want, just don’t do it in front of your kiddo. Many children who have been abused or neglected are subconsciously looking for ways to cause chaos. Chaos is more comfortable than peace because peace really is their unknown. If your kiddo can find an issue that you and your spouse disagree on, then they have found a crack in your strong foundation. Don’t allow that to happen and life will be easier for you all.
I know that some of these suggestions sound scary and counter intuitive. They certainly sounded that way to me. But, for a child who has not had a healthy view of the world due to their circumstances, it is so important to be the example. These kids don’t need a model of what a healthy argument looks like. They need to know that arguments are not the norm. They don’t need to be spoiled rotten to overcompensate for their past neglect. They need stability and security. Having a mom and dad who are unshakable and who show constant, healthy love and affection for one another provides a real sense of security. Kids see these things and begin to trust that they will be safe and that their parents will not fall apart.
Allowing your children to divide you only creates more trauma. You must stand firm together, appearing as if you are literally one being. Doing this will create more peace in your home and in your marriage. Many of you may think I’m nuts and that is okay. Just give it 30 days. Focus your attention on your marriage. Be affectionate to the point of driving other people mad. Verbally share your affection, telling one another how happy you are to be together, how beautiful the other person is, how much you love each other. Don’t show your dissatisfaction with your spouse in front of the kids. Lift your spouse up and encourage them multiple times a day. Make the next 30 days a crazy love fest and see how it changes the dynamics of your household.
You might be pleasantly surprised.
