There has been discussion over on the Christian Adoption Blog about how much involvement a child should have in making restitution. The debate, I think, stems from whether or not you feel the child has control over the issue or not.

If a child vomits, as was the scenario one reader chose, generally speaking one would assume that is involuntary and thus a parent would operate under their usual modis operandus. If it is deliberate, to my way of thinking, the child must be involved in making restitution since others were inconvenienced to each the child consideration for others. Yes, I am the mom, and yes, I have many jobs that I do automatically, however, in my own opinion, I think distancing a child from feeling the effects of their choices does them a great disservice. They may then feel a sense of entitlement. Further, though I am the mom, not everyone is their mom and will jump in to “fix” the situation.

As a child growing up with undiagnosed ADD, I was a mouthy brat. I think my mom felt sorry for me that I was growing up in a single-parent home and made far more allowances for me than should have been. Consequently, I felt the world was my oyster, and I could do and say as I pleased (and I often did!). The result? I had few friends and was a social outcast – the emotional scars of which I bear to this day. To have someone break it down to me that my disability (had it been known as one then) did not exempt me from civil discourse or proper manners would have been tremendously helpful. Would I have listened? Maybe not, but to go unheeded and unchecked was a far greater punishment than having a trusted adult offer consequences.

What do you think? What is the fine line between overprotecting and allowing our children to feel the effects of their actions (given the issues around self-esteem)?

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