There is much discussion over whether it’s more difficult to parent a child of neglect or a child from abuse. I have dealt with children with both a history of child neglect and child abuse. They are both challenging, but in many ways, the neglected child is more difficult.

Children learning bonding and trust within the first two years of life. This is done by their parents or primary caregivers responding to their needs. In the case of child abuse, the child’s needs are sometimes met, sometimes not met, and sometimes met with anger or abuse. It creates great uncertainty in their little brains.

In the case of child neglect, the child’s needs are not met, period. Yes, there may be occasions when the needs are met, but in most cases the kids are fending for themselves and boundaries are not being established.

To read more on the bonding cycle, check out this website.

Working within this explanation, it is sometimes easier for children coming from a background of abuse to be able to bond. They have sometimes felt love and affection. However, the child coming from abuse has so rarely felt affection that the natural reaction is that they have to care for themselves.

Many times children of neglect are easy to spot. These are the children who don’t want to be held, or who stiffen when you go to hug them. There is a mom who has a new (to her) 5 month old baby. The baby will let her new mom hold her during the day, but will not allow mom hold her, rock her, or comfort her for sleep. The baby wants to self soothe and put herself to sleep. This is a pretty clear sign of neglect. This baby is not used to someone holding her when she is tired.

In abused children, you are more likely to see them flinch if there are sudden movements, or if you raise your hand. Sammy cowered under a table when he heard someone use the word “bitch”. It triggered a trauma event in him and he expected the abuse to come afterward.

In my own personal opinion, children that come from a background of neglect are “harder” to parent because there are so many more walls to break down. Issues like food hoarding, resisting physical affection and resisting comfort can be quite hard on a parent emotionally.

While physical child abuse is horrible, it seems to be the better of the two. Kids who come from abuse seem to be a little bit more willing to “go out on a limb” with the possibility that the physical affection will be positive.

Either way, you’re going to be in for a bumpy ride.

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