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Back story: I have a fairly large list of friends on facebook. I have received numerous adoption information requests over the past year, and I am always more than happy to share our adoption story and any information I can provide. That said, today I received a facebook message that left me a little speechless.
Sender: “You know, I’m pretty sure that [Beauty's] homecoming attachment problems would’ve been solved if you had been breastfeeding. Just curious as to why you didn’t try that! It’s so much better for the baby anyway.”
Blink. Blink. Blink.
Here’s what I’m not looking to get into: the formula-feeding versus breastfeeding debate. Personally, I believe nursing is best, but I also believe that no mother should ever feel guilty (or made to feel guilty by anyone) if breastfeeding does not work for her and her child. There are several different medical reasons as to why some women can’t breastfeed, and some others may give up because they feel it is too difficult, stressful, too much of a struggle, etc. My personal belief is that if you’re making the best possible informed decision as a mother, it’s your baby, your body, your business.
That said, I have to admit it bothers me when people (especially those with no adoption experience of their own) “diagnose” what I should have done; had I done (insert idea here), I wouldn’t even know what attachment difficulties were! (/sarcasm). I am a firm believer in breastfeeding when possible, but I had never even seriously considered taking medications to artificially stimulate breast milk production. That being said, I do believe it is a huge misconception that mothers cannot bond with their baby if breastfeeding is not involved. I’m not getting on anyone who adopts and subsequently chooses to breastfeed, but I absolutely do not believe it is impossible to bond with your adopted baby if breastfeeding is not a part of your mother/child relationship.
Do I believe Beauty’s homecoming attachment difficulties were a result of my lack of breastfeeding? Not in the least. Instead, I feel her attachment difficulties were directly linked to the fact that she arrived in a foreign country at nine months of age after leaving behind the only family, life, and routine she had ever known. Do I believe that bonding while feeding–in any form–is essential to forming a good bond and build attachment and trust? Absolutely. But I also likewise believe that meeting and even exceeding your baby’s needs–all of them (including feeding, soothing, and so on) is the best way to bond with your baby. As I’ve said in prior blogs, once Beauty realized she could trust us to meet and exceed her needs, our attachment issues virtually melted away. This did take some time, though. Trust is never built over night.
If you’re an adoptive mom who wants to breastfeed and you have your physician’s approval, by all means go for it if that’s what you want to do. However, if you aren’t planning on breastfeeding, don’t worry about building a bond with your baby. Your bond is not dependent on how your baby receives his or her sustenance; breast or bottle, the bond is ultimately built from love.
I agree with you. I don’t know if you read the Strollerderby blogs, but last week, they posted an article “They Say: Breastmilk isn’t all that important” http://blogs.babble.com/strollerderby/2010/01/06/they-say-breastmilk-isnt-all-that-important/
Studies are beginning to show that it’s not the breast feeding, but what breast feeding means – mom can stay at home, so she’s spending more time with her kids and her socioeconomic status is better.
Thanks for the link, Robyn. Interesting stuff. The only issue I take with that notion is that most of my mommy friends who breastfeed are full-time employees outside the home, you know?
I can’t tell you how many times–before I became a mother–people would say to me “if you don’t breastfeed, your kids will be so sickly, etc.”. Beauty’s *knock on wood* never been ill beyond a runny nose since she came home in December 2007. Go figure, right?
Thanks again,
Courtney