Author Patricia Dischler is a birthmother who is dedicated to improving the lives of children, including adopted children. She has added me to the distribution list for her electronic newsletter, KIDSAKE, which is very informative. She has such a way with words, and her love for children shines through her writing.

In the December 2007 issue of her newsletter, she talks about how she and her birthson's adoptive mother worked together to make their open adoption successful. Here is how she defines a successful adoption:

How an adoptee feels regarding their adoption is almost completely dependant on the adoptive parents and birthparents that enter the agreement in the first place. It is because of this that I believe that success is best measured by the adoptee’s point of view.

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Ms. Dischler said that she chose an open adoption because she wanted her son to feel secure about her love for him as well as fill his life with answers instead of secrets. Unfortunately, for adoptive families in closed adoptions, the answers simply are not there. They might not be a "secret," but the information is still unavailable. I find that, even in our semi-open adoption, there is some information that I simply do not know. I fill in the blanks as best I can, and I do know a lot about my son's birthfamily, but there are still holes that will not be filled unless my son chooses to search for his birthfamily in adulthood.

Ms. Dischler points out that the adoptive mother answered most of her birthson's questions when he was young. However, as the son grew into a teenager, Ms. Dischler became the one who talked with him honestly about his issues. He received a consistent message of love and respect from both his birthmother and adoptive parents, which helped shape him into the incredible person he is today with a "depth of respect for others."

Ms. Dischler makes an interesting observation from which adoptive parents can learn:

[My birthson] holds no negative feelings towards either of us [birthmother or adoptive mother], because he had never experienced either of us holding negative feelings towards the other.

There are situations in which it is difficult for the birthparents and adoptive parents to feel positively toward one another. This is especially difficult in situations in which the birthparents were abusive toward the child. However, whenever possible, much good can come from all members of the adoption triad feel positively toward one another.

I deeply respect my son's birthmother, and this shines through when I talk with him about his birthmother. I want him to feel positively toward her. If my son ever reunites with her, I hope that this positive attitude will carry forward into their relationship and that we can all be positive and respectful toward one another. I see no need to "compete" with her. We have enough love to go around.

Related Topics:

Birthparents category

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt