I want my adopted child to know that he can ask me anything about his adoption. As his mother, I am in the best position to know what to say and how to say it so that my adopted child can understand his adoption in the best possible way. However, I am not the person he is going to turn to if he perceives that I am uncomfortable with talking about his adoption. How can we, as adoptive parents, make ourselves approachable on this subject?

For me, talking about adoption with my kid is similar to talking with him about sex. Yes, both topics can be uncomfortable for me to discuss, but I want him getting the facts from me rather than from his peers or other people who might distort the truth. For me to be approachable, I need to find a way to become comfortable talking about these issues. (Blogging about adoption every day helps!) Even if I am taken aback by his questions, I need to communicate that I am happy to discuss either topic with him.

There are times when his questions on either subject make me uncomfortable. There are also times when his questions hurt, such as when he asks why his “real mom didn’t want him.” When this happens, I take a deep breath and focus on making this conversation about him. I can deal with my own issues later. I make every effort to keep my tone and body language communicating openness.

So far, this method has worked for me. My son has asked me some very embarrassing questions about his body, but he has no clue that I felt any level of discomfort in answering his questions. He has also come to me with several questions about his adoption. However, there are times when I have had to figure out that an adoption issue was bothering him first, which I can tell by his behavior. Once I open the door, he usually takes that opportunity to talk with me about his adoption.

My husband is not comfortable talking about either subject, and my son has noticed this. Our son very rarely raises either issue around his father. Nobody has ever told him that he cannot talk about his adoption or sex with his father, but my son has chosen only to raise the issue with me.

The more comfortable you can become talking about your child’s adoption, the more likely your child will approach you with his questions. The more you can make peace with your own feelings, the better you will be able to help your child understand and accept his adoption history.

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