Knowing what to do to help an adopted child with difficult behaviors is NOT the same as helping any other child. Very often, an adopted child’s problematic behavior comes from an entirely different place of need. Because it’s sometimes hard to tell which is a “normal behavior problem” and which is an “adoptive child behavior problem”, it’s important for we adoptive parents to keep a ready arsenal of behavior management ideas. This allows us to be flexible and empowers us to find the right way to help our child (and ourselves)!

Modeling can be one of those helpful tools. We can model appropriate responses for our kids. How does modeling qualify as a behavior management tool? Isn’t it just something we normally do every day? How can modeling possibly be a useful tool if we’re dealing with fairly significant behavior issues?

Imitation is one of the best ways of learning. When our children from other countries first come to America, they watch us to see how to respond in new situations. This is a great way for them to learn how to behave in a restaurant. It’s also a great way for them to learn how to treat people in our home, how to correct improperly learned hygiene, how to express disagreements. The children watch us and learn how to do things. They learn expectations for normal behaviors. This can be truly helpful for kids who did NOT have this type of modeling before they came to our homes.

Modeling our own feelings and frustrations has a HUGE impact for kids with behavior problems. Many times, they do NOT know healthy ways to handle emotions. It may not always be a conscientious choice to misbehave. It could be that your child has big feelings and no abilities to do anything with them other than to act out inappropriately or dangerously. When the child gets regular opportunities to see their parent getting mad – and handling it in healthy ways – or being sad, disappointed, frustrated, or a myriad of other tough emotions – AND handling them appropriately, he gains new skills himself. This also applies significantly to positive emotions, believe it or not! The feelings of joy, happiness, love, friendship, satisfaction, acceptance, etc. are also big feelings. When a child doesn’t have ways to handle their feelings well, this includes the positive feelings. If that happens, it can just as easily frustrate the child and have him act out for lack of knowing other ways to deal with things.

For immediately stopping a troublesome behavior, modeling may not be your top choice! I just can’t imagine how it would be helpful to Jane, currently being sat upon by bigger brother Johnny, if we were to have ongoing modeling of how to get off of Jane. Modeling is not the answer. However, it is a great tool. Maybe it could even be used to keep Johnny from feeling a need to sit on Jane in the future??

Other behavior modification helps:
Time Out and Time IN

Follow this blog for a series of great ideas to use!