For so long, my daughter took on the personal responsibility of ensuring her younger brother was safe. She’s a total “protector” and has been in “full mama mode” for some time now.

For children who are used to “being in charge,” it’s hard to let go once they are in the safe confines of an adoptive family.

My daughter routinely goes beyond whatever instructions I give her. If I ask her to put her dishes in the sink and rinse them with water, she will wash them with lots and lots of dish soap. Not a huge deal, unless it makes a big mess that I then have to clean up, which is at issue here!

I don’t want to see her self-esteem crushed, and I know her “need” to be in charge comes from being in perilous situations. Books I’ve read on trauma suggest that even when the “danger” of an immediately threatening situation has passed, our bodies store the un-discharged “fight or flight” energy it has built up.

I’m sure this is at the core of her behavior, and thus, I think I may have stumbled upon a solution: I’ve given her something to be completely in charge of! Her brothers need to report to her, and she cannot be bossy about it or the oversight gets removed from her purview. She doesn’t have to do all the work, but she can’t just supervise, either. Hopefully, this gives her a place to dispel some of the energy she has and helps to satisfy her need for control.

For me, it’s a win-win. It’s a chore I’m not crazy about, so it gets taken away from me. It gives my daughter a way to still be in charge of something. It helps her with her social skills. Additionally, it teaches her responsibility.

It’s such a minor thing, that it doesn’t really matter how it gets done, as long as it does. I’ve told her that I won’t go to her brothers about it, if I see that it’s not getting done – I will come to her as the person in charge.

A lot of what I am learning with my new children has been “on the job training,” so we’ll see how this solution flies, but I am hopeful!

Photo credit: Stock Xchng