Today brought a birthday celebration at our house. Dad is now 40. He’s “officially old”, according to the kids. Normally, we have low-key celebrations for birthdays. I love to celebrate a day as important as a person’s birth. However, as with most other holidays, my kids don’t handle big celebrations. For a birthday as momentous as “the big 4-0” AND since it was for dad, not a child, I broke our unwritten rule and went for a slightly bigger celebration. I worked hard to think of something noteworthy for a fortieth birthday celebration, but still mellow enough to hit under the “yikes radar” of the kids.

So, how did I do? Not so well. I was heavily reminded, again, that my children will always deal with loss. Sure, I hope they get better and better in their coping skills. Whether or not they do gain more skills, every holiday and birthday will still be a chance to remind them of different types of loss they’ve experienced.

We had a “family meeting” while Dad was gone and decided together what to do. We determined we would get him 40 gifts….and that each gift would contain 40 items. Everyone would be in charge of at least one gift. If anyone knows this guy, they know he is a tightwad and would not appreciate money being spent on him. So, our 40 gifts had to be free or low-cost. The kids impressed me with ingenuity and creativity. Some ideas were: 40 Redneck jokes, list of 40 reasons why I love dad, 40 hugs and a paper chain with 40 links. He wants to learn more Russian and Amharic, so our Russian and Ethiopian adopted daughters made him sets of 40 flashcards. My favorite was from one daughter, originally adopted after the family located her and her siblings on a photo listing. She found sibling groups available for adoption, totaling 40 children, printed out their information, and presented them as “your next 40 kids!” The offer cracked me up. (The response is “no way”! I’m a big fan of adoption, but this mom and dad are DONE!)

Sounds fun. Yet, as we prepared our gifts over the last two days, so many children acted out directly related to the birthday, the gifts, or the focus on a father. Among other, Abby had volunteered to make something. When asked if she needed help, she flew into an uncharacteristic fit about how just wouldn’t do it. NO explanation was offered. Simone cried because she wanted to make one picture for this daddy and one picture for her other daddy; someone had told her no because it was only this dad’s birthday. Marie’s teacher called today. Marie, normally very quiet, was acting out and screaming curse words at her teacher!! She said that her dad wouldn’t come to pick her up, no matter how bad she acted; it was his birthday so he wouldn’t pay attention to the children. She actually used those words – it was his birthday, so he wouldn’t pay attention to the children. What in her history sent that message?

Large and small, father issues are in full force here today. I don’t regret that we chose a bigger celebration. Yet, I’m very much reminded that, even in the best adoption situations, many celebrations will be reminders of various losses for them. I will remind myself, again, to be more prepared next time.

More blogs on birthday/holiday issues:
Mother's Day Issues
Holiday Hell
Holiday Anxiety and Adopted Children