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What does it mean to be ready to adopt? Is there some secret checklist that parents who are considering adoption keep in their heads and privately review? Are there any critical questions that you should ask yourself before you begin the adoption process?
I love this piece written by Barbara Holton. Here are just a few reasons that some people may give for considering adoption along with Ms. Holton’s responses:
I want a playmate for my birthchild.
Hire a neighbor’s child.My religion tells me to reach out to those less fortunate than I am.
Put a big donation in the collection plate next Sunday.My infertility is a constant sadness. It hurts terribly.
Infertility is devastating, but you must understand that adopting does not cure it.
I think the biggest mistake a person can make in adoption is not gathering enough information about the process and the experience. The desire to adopt may be formed in the heart and fueled by emotion, but the decision to adopt should be well informed by research and inquiry.
It is very easy to get caught up in the excitement of bringing a new child into your life without fully understanding or appreciating all of the ramifications for yourself or for the child. I don’t believe any parent goes into adoption casually. However, I know that some parents are naive about the many issues surrounding adoption and that naivete can come back to haunt them and their child in heartbreaking ways.
Here are just a few questions I would ask a person who may be wondering if he or she is ready to adopt:
How much do you know about adoption?
Where does most of your knowledge come from?
Do you know any adoptive parents?
Have you spoken with them about their experiences?
Is most of your knowledge about adoption based on television and movie images?
Are you aware of the unique issues that exist for adopted children?
Do you know any adults who were adopted as children?
Have you talked with them about their experience?
How supportive are your family and friends?
Have you talked with any women who have relinquished a child for adoption?
The list of questions could go on and on. The bottom line is that you can’t, honestly, answer the question about whether or not you are ready to adopt until you become as well informed as possible on the matter. Also, it is important to become familiar with the entire experience of adoption.
Adoption is a lifelong experience. This means that you will need to gather information on more than just the technicalities involving the adoption process such as filling out mountains of paperwork, completing background checks, having a homestudy prepared, identifying a child and having a child place in your home. Focusing only on this aspect would be like thinking no further than bringing a baby home from the hospital. That is only the beginning! Once you adopt a child, your lives together are just beginning. Take the time to prepare for the journey as best you can.
I’m not sure I agree with Ms. Holton. People are motivated for many different reasons to consider adoption, just as with biological parenthood. And frankly, no matter how well you prepare — you are never really prepared, you know? Parenting — whether adoptive or biological — is very much a “fly by the seat of the pants” proposition.
Neither do I think religious faith is a bad reason to consider adoption. One cannot love in the abstract. Love — whether for a child or for another adult — develops and matures over time. In the meantime, we choose to love because God created us to love other people, reflecting the One who is love.
This is not pious sentimentality; this is a willingness to “lay down one’s life” (as Jesus did) for another person, which is the crux of the Christian message.
Anyone can write a check — but in the immortal words of Keith Green, “God can’t cash out of state checks in heaven.” Children, on the other hand, will share heaven with us!
Of course, one does not adopt simply to “save” another human being — any other human being — by force. We tell our children frequently that God sent His angels to bring them to us — and that He put a special place in our hearts that only they could fill.
Nor would I stop loving my children if they chose to walk away from the faith in which we have raised them. Regardless of the choices they make, they are infinitely valuable to us, and to the God who entrusted them to us.
There are so many variables and unknowables to adoption — who is to say that one motivation is better than another if, in the end, a child is given a loving, stable and PERMANENT family?
Heidi Saxton
heidihesssaxton.blogspot.com
thank you so much Heidi for a different and equally valid perspective!
I don’t believe I agree with Barbara. Yes I am sure that uniformed people may take steps to adopt but in all reality the reasons she quoted I think wrong. I don’t think you should adopt a child for the sole purpose of providing companionship for a child but, as a child with many siblings myself, it is a constant struggle watching my son miss out on the great bond of sisters and brothers. I dream of one day him having a true sibling to quarrel with, love, and enjoy. All though this is not a main basis for our reasoning for fostering and wishing to adopt it is a true benefit. To have someone to look after, care for, and love like a sibling is a priceless thing that can benefit my son in his adult years. It will also be reassuring to know that long after my husband and I are gone our son will have the support of siblings to lean on. Like I said this should not be the main reason for family extending threw adoption but if God has laid it on your heart the ability to love someone that is not related to you I believe this is a great reason. God had instilled certain qualities in certain people to provide a home to children that wouldn’t otherwise have one. I think this article focuses on the reason for parenting to intensely! What about the many unplanned and surprise babies that are born every year. Those Parents that haven’t “researched” parenthood learn, adjust and love.
The bottom line is that you can’t, honestly, answer the question about whether or not you are ready to adopt until you become as well informed as possible on the matter.
What many people fail o realize is that no matter how much you know before you adopt you will never “in all reality” be ready to adopt, because you will never be a perfect parent. Flexibility is important for any parent not just adoptive ones. Unseen problems and heartache is a risk for every parent.
Elizabeth Grazey
http://www.loveistime.com