In my post, Adoptive Parenting: Inequity In Hands-On Parenting Responsibilities, I talked about the inequity of the hands-on parenting responsibilities in many adoptive families. Of course, there are exceptions, but in many families, the husband sees his parenting role as being the breadwinner and leaves the hands-on parenting to the wife. The wife often feels overwhelmed and resents the husband for not helping out enough with the children, which causes the husband to feel as if his efforts in financially supporting the family are not appreciated. If left unchecked, the resentment felt by both spouses can ultimately destroy a family.

Adoption can fuel the resentment. The high cost of adoption is what necessitates the husband working even harder to replenish the savings account after depleting it to adopt a child. The long wait to adopt a child makes the wife expect the husband to want to spend even more time with the child. Adoptive families need to be even more careful about keeping their resentments in check.

I read an interesting article about using role reversal to help married people become more empathetic about their spouse's position. I do not remember where I read this article, but I think it was in a parenting magazine. I believe the husband was a school teacher, and the wife quit her job to stay at home when they became parents. Both struggled with similar resentments about not being appreciated.

The husband usually taught summer school for the extra income, but the wife had the opportunity to take a 3-month position in her former career over the summer. The couple agreed to do a role reversal so they could understand the spouse's side of their lives. At the end of the summer, both were ready to get back to their chosen roles and had a much deeper appreciation for their spouse's feelings.

At first, both spouses thought they were in heaven. The wife got to have downtime by the water cooler and spend the day interacting with adults. She also got to dress up and eat a hot meal without having to tend to children all day. The husband got to spend more time than he ever had with his children and appreciate how precious they were. He also got to change the pace of his day from his working life and could spend his days in sweat pants if he wanted. However, as the summer wore on, both grew to miss their roles.

The wife learned that her husband really did need some down time after a stressful day at work. She also missed spending as much time with her children and felt a little jealous of the things that her husband got to do with the children that she missed out on. By the end of the summer, she was ready to go back to being more hands-on.

The husband learned that it is hard to spend an entire day with non-adults. He also realized why his wife had trouble getting errands run and keeping the house clean while taking care of the children all day. He came to appreciate her need for the occasional break from the children.

The article ended with the author suggesting that all couples do a role reversal so that they can fully appreciate their spouse's point of view. This exercise really helped the couple to become more empathetic about the important roles that both of them hold in their family.

Related Topics:

Adoptive Families category

Photo Credit: Lynda Bernhardt