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In personality theory, identity formation begins early in childhood and serves as the scaffolding upon which the additional roles, assumed throughout ones lifespan, are built. My identity as a parent began forming long before I gave birth to my son. As a younger woman, I fantasized about what kind of mother I wanted to be and what kind of mother I would become. I had very specific ideas about all of that, some of which have held steady over the years, many of which have changed, a few of which have been abandoned. As a parent I am loving, protective, nurturing, firm, demanding, strict, supportive, etc.
In some ways, becoming a parent and all that went with it was something that I took for granted. I wasn’t sure that it would happen, but I was sure that if and when I decided to have children I would be able to do so and it would be fine. Looking back on it, I realize this was complete folly. Still, that is how I approached it and that is pretty much how things unfolded.
After I had my son, however, I was faced with the decision of when to consider having a second child. I was already thirty-seven. It hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks that I just might not be able to have a second child so easily. Also, by then I was no longer in denial and I was well aware of the risks involved. That was when I began to seriously consider adoption as a way to expand my family.
As a younger woman I watched a particular relative fail miserably at raising her adopted children. My mother and I had many long conversations about it. I didn’t realize it when I began to explore adoption for myself, but, I believe I can trace the beginning of my identity formation as an adoptive mother back to those conversations. I became crystal clear at that time of what kind of adoptive mother I would and would not want to be.
It may seem odd to make a distinction between what kind of mother one wants to be versus what kind of adoptive mother one wants to become. But, there were some very specific issues related to being an adoptive mother that, at the time, seemed important to me and that remain so, even now. As an adoptive mother I am loving, protective, nurturing, firm, demanding, strict, supportive, etc. However, I understand that there are very real differences between the experiences that my daughters are having as they grow up and the experience that my son is having, even as I raise them all similarly. I make sure that I do not treat my children as if they owe me dearly for having brought them into my life. Perhaps that will have a more profound impact on my daughters, than on my son. I am as honest with my daughters about their adoption story as I can be. I have all of the answers to my son’s story. Not so for my daughters.
I am secure in my role as an adoptive mother and I do not feel threatened by the existence of the other mothers who are a part of my daughters’ history, yet, I am comfortable with closed adoption. That may seem inconsistent to some people. If I am not threatened then why don’t I have an open adoption? I have come to understand that for myself in this way: Although I am not threatened, I am very selfish. I am making the most of the few years I have with my daughters before the time comes for me to share them with the woman who gave birth to them.
All of this and so much more makes up my identity as an adoptive mother. A lot is written about attachment and bonding in adoptive parenting. I am convinced that secure attachment would occur more easily if the parent was already secure in his or her own identity as a parent. Unfortunately, that is not likely to be the case. This may be one of those situations in which being an older adoptive parent has its advantages over being a younger adoptive parent. I write on a separate blog at www.adoptionblogs.com that is conveniently titled “Older Parent Adoption” where I will continue these thoughts later.
