I've written here before on what makes a "successful adoption" and how it is achieved. In my previous post I discussed all of the options and choices that are available to adoptive parents. But after all of the choices that are available to you are made and your child comes home, then what? How do you go about making the union a successful one?

The more I pay attention to all three of my children, the more I am convinced that much of it has to do with the child's natural temperament and disposition and whether that is a "good match" with the parent's personality and parenting style. In short, it could very well be a crap shoot. There is something really unnerving about that possibility. If we embrace that type of thinking we lose a lot of control.

As adoptive parents we go to such great lengths to get it right and we experience considerable agony when it goes wrong despite our best efforts. There seems to be something profoundly unfair when things go well with little to no effort. Sorta like when the expectant mother goes to extraordinary lengths to deliver a healthy baby, but is not blessed with that particular outcome; while another far less diligent and, perhaps, negligent mother gives birth to a baby who is perfect in every way.

I don't think the idea of the "good match" is given enough attention in the role that it plays in a successful adoption. It makes me shudder to think of how miserably I would have failed at raising a child with reactive attachment disorder, or oppositional defiant disorder, or any number of the "alphabet" disorders. Heck, I don't think it would have even taken something as serious as a formally diagnosed disorder for me to have run into a real challenge as a parent.

I am not a better parent than most. Yes, I am a child psychologist, but I can tell you that all of that psychology stuff never even makes it to the table in my own home. I have written about that elsewhere, also.

When people make positive comments to me about my children I always say that their behavior has more to do with who they are and their personalities than my childrearing. I am high-strung, demanding, crazy some would say, in my parenting style. All of my children seem to take it in stride despite their different personalities. My son is very logical, analytical, and insightful. My oldest daughter is extremely sensitive, nurturing, and giving. My youngest daughter is what folks back home in Texas would refer to as "a piece of work" and smart as a whip.

The most frequent comment my husband and I get about our children is that they are such good decision-makers even when we are not present, yet, they are not abnormally well-behaved in that scary sci-fi way. They rip and run and yell and get into scrapes and conflicts like all children. For the most part they rein in their own behavior, or they are immediately responsive to adult directives if they get out of hand. I am always asked how it is that I have managed this feat. I don't have a clue.

The humorous response is that I yell at them and threaten them to within an inch of their lives and I don't think they want to be bothered with all of that drama if they make a bad decision, or are noncompliant to an authority figure when I am not around. But the real truth is, I just think it was the luck of the draw.

But, don't tell anybody. It might raise questions about my credibility.