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I am a stay-at-home mom. I briefly mentioned as such in a blog I wrote for “adoptive parenting” earlier today, in fact, and felt compelled to expound a bit on this topic this evening. I say it proudly: I am a stay-at-home mom. I love it. I love it more than I ever thought possible. I love it with a fierce intensity. Yes, I love it. Here’s what I don’t love, though: the fact that it was seemingly expected. After all, we adopted a baby.
I’ve had this conversation with so, so many of my adoptive mom friends at some point in time–some stay-at-home moms (SAHM), some work-at-home moms (WAHM), and some working moms (outside the home)–and the general consensus is that yes, there seems to be an awful lot of pressure to be a stay-at-home mom once you’re an adoptive mother. I don’t really understand the logic, but usually if this facet of conversation–that I’m an adoptive mom–arises before the question of my current occupation, that inquiry tends to get a bit glossed over, as in “Oh, so you’re a stay at home mom, right?”
What would make you think that?
I feel it might be in part because a fair share of women come to adoption through infertility. But why the assumptions? That mentality screams to me, “You’ve wanted this for such a long time, so of course you wouldn’t even entertain the possibility of being a working mother!” Do I even need to suggest how wholly ridiculous that sounds? In this respect, adoptive mothers are no different from biological ones; those who can and choose to stay home, will; those who cannot or choose not to, will not. Simple, right? Throw in an international adoption, and you’re adding yet another dimension. I know many working mothers who have adopted internationally; let’s be honest, it’s not an inexpensive endeavor for the most part. I’m not shocked that so many adoptive moms (especially those who adopted internationally) work to ease a little bit of the adoption loans (if applicable) and so on. However, the same stigma applies: the “you wanted it so badly, the least you could do is stay-at-home” mentality. Oh, if only life were that simple.
So many mothers dream of their babies, dream of their pregnancies, their visit trips, the first time they touch their child–no matter how he or she comes to their family, their lives. I am no different. Did I want it more–be it in pregnancy or adoption–than any other mother? Absolutely not. We all dream the same dream, many of us with an intensity that burns brightly through our day to day lives. It’s not a matter of who wants it more; it’s a matter of what’s best for an individual family.
We are not “rich”. We have adoption loans that we pay both gratefully and happily. My husband works more than his fair share to keep me at home with our children, and for that I’m immensely grateful. I’m not incapable of getting a job outside the home; I have no limiting medical disabilities. I have my own form of transportation; I have a mother who is an eager, reliable, and excellent childcare provider. I’m not uneducated; I hold two graduate degrees. I have work experience; I’ve maintained contacts in my field. I could, at this very moment, be working outside my home as we speak. But this is not the choice we made for our family.
We didn’t blindly or naively decide that I’d stop working/halt an intended return to work post-birth (Bear) or post-adoption (Beauty); instead, it was a decision at which we carefully arrived. Do I feel I have the best job in the world? Words fail me considering the depth of my emotion on this topic, so all I can do is voice out a resounding “yes”. But I understand, respect, and support the decisions of my fellow adoptive moms who choose to work outside the home. I don’t feel “adoption” suggests you lose your right to choose what’s best for your family; being a SAHM, a WAHM, or a working mother…any decision made in love is the right one for your family.
Great post! Up until recently I worked two days a week as a nurse. I always felt like I was in the middle of the two “groups” (SAHM and Working outside of the home moms) and didn’t fit in either side exactly. I miss my work a lot and hope to go back someday. My hubby was able to pick up our health insurance so I didn’t have to work a set number of hours anymore and I just eventually stopped working altogether when the hastle of child care got to be to much.
After adopting two older children and going from two to four kids I do have some strong feelings on the subject of working parents. I know this isn’t going to be popular, but even with our relatively “easy” adoption I cannot imagine both Hubby and I working full-time and it not effecting the kids negatively. Since I have only adopted older children that is all I can talk about. I have had to stop everything and concentrate on my child(ren)’s special needs of the moment. We go from having a great day to a meltdown in 30 seconds and I spend over an hour rocking one of them until they calm down. If I worked full time I would have been fired by now for not showing up. Our girls also need stability, they want to know what is happening minute to minute. They ask what is for lunch when they wake up in the morning sometimes. For bonding and attachment I feel that a parent has to be there to guide them through this transitional time.
I am not saying it is impossible for both parents to work full-time and have a successful time with their children, I’m just saying that I cannot imagine being able to do this in the first year or so of adopting older kids.
Pleast don’t flame me for my thoughts everyone, I would like to hear from other moms and how they have made their decision.
Did you read about the judge who wouldn’t approve an adoption unless one of the parents stayed home for the first year, and then didn’t work full time until the kids were in college?
http://www.mlive.com/news/kalamazoo/index.ssf/2009/07/van_buren_county_probate_judge.html
I was an SAHM for Jack’s first 2 years. I work full-time at home now (long story) but I’d prefer to work part-time. When we adopt again, I really want to stay at home for her first year.
Thanks for writing about this!
Hi!
My name is Rachel. I am a senior at Osage High School. I am doing an I-Search paper about adoption. I need people to interview and I am looking for parents who have adopted a child. I didn’t really know how to go about doing this, but please if someone could help me? There are about twenty questions. Please let me know.
Thank you!
-Rachel
Hello Rachel, my name is Barb. I adopted two girls in 1991. I was married at the time, and have since divorced. We were foster parents with a state/county agency at the time and enrolled in the foster/foster-adopt program. We have a biological son. I would be willing to help answer some questions for your paper. Let me know. you can direct email me at tranceformation@comcast.net. Good luck with your research. Barb
Hi Rachel! My name is Deb and my husband and I adopted in 2006. We have an open domestic adoption. If you want to send me your questions I would be happy to answer them for you. My email is d_chorzempa@yahoo.com. Good luck with your paper.