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This will shock no one: stereotypes run rampant in adoption. “Birth mothers are promiscuous, young, poor, and uneducated.” “Adoptive mothers are stuck up, rich, in it for the ’status symbol’, and wildly desperate for a child.” Do I even need to launch into a lecture on inclusive language? Or debunk the myth that all first and adoptive moms fit a single, respective mold?
I didn’t think so.
Does it seem like first and adoptive moms are both able to face and receive a bad rap? Certainly. You can find best and worst case scenarios for any situation you can contemplate. For every person that has a great adoption experience to discuss, there’s someone else with one that’s not-so-great at all. That said, a quick search of the web produces quite a bit of information that discusses and debunks the stereotypes surrounding birth moms. So what about the adoptive moms? Here’s a look at some of the common misconceptions about adoptive moms…
Not all adoptive moms choose adoption due to fertility issues. In fact, there are a multitude of reasons one chooses to adopt, such as genetic or medical issues not related to fertility. Not all adoptive moms have a “better than you” chip on their shoulder when it comes to their child’s first mom. Conversely, the opposite is usually true: most adoptive moms are so grateful for the opportunity to share in a child’s life that there’s no room for a superiority complex in their gratitude. Most adoptive moms don’t feel they are more deserving due to finances, education, status in life or so forth; instead, they want to share their lives, their love, and their homes with a child in the joy of parenthood. Not all adoptive moms are wealthy and in it for the ’status symbol’. Instead, many adoptive moms I know have gone to great lengths to procure adoption loans and would rather show off their children’s accomplishments and unique personalities than the child him/herself as a showpiece. See what I mean? The list goes on and on.
Let’s drop false pretenses for a moment–the assumption game can be played from all sides, at any angle. Every experience is different, just as every person’s frame of reference surrounding adoption is unique to his/her experiences. It never occurred to me–even for a moment–to consider whether I would be “better suited” to care for and raise Beauty. I understand why her birth mom, M., chose adoption, but do I think I’m doing a better job of raising her than M. would, had she possessed the opportunity? Not at all. I’m not even certain a comparison is at all possible.
I am certain of this: Beauty’s first mom loves her like crazy. I, too, love Beauty like crazy. So any barrier between us, any difference in personality, any distinction in background or life experience…it all falls to the wayside. That’s not to say our differences don’t exist, but at the end of the day, no matter what details surround us, we have one uniting force that keeps us bonded together forever on the same proverbial page: our intense love for our little girl.
Yeah, but there is a stereotype embedded in the post too. Not all adoptive mothers adopt due to medical conditions…period. Many just choose to adopt. And I’m not sure that I’d be all that “grateful”.
@ladyjubilee: I never said ALL adoptive mothers adopt due to medical conditions; instead, I simply offered it up as another reason one might chose adoption. And I suppose there are adoptive mothers who aren’t grateful, but thus far in my life, I have yet to meet one and I hope to keep it that way! Thanks for reading, and for your comments!