Well, I decided not to let this theme drag on and on. Besides, I hope to be here blogging for quite some time to come and so I imagine some topics will resurface again and again. Even one as tough as this one has been.

In my last post, I left off raising the question as to whether my adoption remorse episode made me doubt whether to follow through with the finalization of the adoption. It did not. Although I knew that if I really wanted to, I could pick up a phone and call the social worker and tell her "this is just not working out." What I found out was that I really didn't want to do that. No way.

In a strange twist, I had the opportunity to experience what some parents only fantasize about when they are in the throes of remorse: "If only I could have done things differently." Well, where the girls were concerned, there had, in fact, still been plenty of time for me to "do things differently." I chose not to. Not out of obligation, not out of the appearance of things, not out of pride, but out of commitment to being a mother again.

My decision is probably pretty solid evidence that if given the opportunity to do things differently where my son was concerned, I would have made a similar choice and left everything just as it was. I was committed to being his mother. Nothing could have changed that.

When I was a child my mother taught me Que Sera Sera. We used to sing it together. It is one of my earliest memories of my mother, I couldn't have been more than three when I learned the song. We sang it throughout my childhood and I remember humming it through my tears the day she died. I had no idea that I'd still be singing it all these years later to three children of my own.

I'm not one of those parents who can not imagine my life if I had never had children. I can. Easily. I'm not one of those parents who believes that my life would be nothing if I'd never had children. That's not true. I would have just had a very different life. It would still be rich with love, and purpose, and commitment to making a difference in the world. But, the life I have is the one I chose with my heart wide open. And I have absolutely no remorse about that! Que sera, sera.