I have been trying to figure out how to write this post. I find it "vedee ingtervesting" that I have started and stopped several times in the past couple of days. Usually when I sit down to post, my thoughts just flow. I am a motor mouth and when it comes to posting, my fingers are just an extension of my loose lips. In speaking and in writing, sometimes that is a good thing. Sometimes not. But it is who I am, who I have always been, and it is not likely to change.

You can see why I am totally shocked to find that when I decided to post on the topic of adoption remorse, all of a sudden I'm struggling with writer's block? What's up with that? So, I'm going to break this down into its manageable components. As such, this will probably be one of those Part I, Part II, Part III kinds of posts. Bear with me, dear readers.

Let's see here. The first difficult task is to tackle an honest definition of what adoption remorse means. It is quite simply, when you regret adopting your child or children, when you wish you had not done it. There, I've said it. Difficult task #1 done. Check.

I think parenting remorse happens routinely for biological parents. But, few parents ever talk about it seriously, at least not openly and honestly. What we do, instead, is joke about it.

We make light of how difficult it is being a parent with funny little stories and parent friendly jokes. That makes it okay. The humor takes the bite out of the feelings leaving open the possibilty that we don't really mean what we are saying. "Oh, I was just kidding" becomes a safe retreat.

Nevertheless, expressing parent remorse, even in disguise, can be beneficial emotionally and psychologically. Once the feelings are out, then you can roll up your sleeves and get back in the mix of things.

I have been around plenty of biological parents who joke about how wonderful life was before they had their children and how miserable they have been since having them. They openly laugh about the strain becoming a parent places on finances, time, relationships, workplace responsibilities...sex! The conversation doesn't go on long. Just long enough to register a passing sense of dissatisfcation and a longing for life as it used to be before having children. Then the whining is over and everybody resumes being a good enough parent, loving their kids to pieces, and coping with the reality of parenting.

Somehow, I don't think adoptive parents ever believe that it is okay to express adoption remorse, not even in jest. Some may feel that after years of waiting and trying to adopt they should not permit themselves to feel, let alone express, a moment of regret or doubt about their decision. Others may fear being judged harshly, and perhaps more unfairly than biological parents are judged, for having such feelings.

Maybe it is the concept itself of adoption remorse. Is that really what it is? Is it ALL simply parenting remorse? Perhaps if it were framed in that context then adoptive parents, just like any other parents, would be able to express these feelings when they come up without feeling guilty or the fear of being stigmatized.

However, in the name of "keeping it real" I am compelled to voice my opinion that that there is something qualitatively different about parenting remorse when you have become a parent through adoption as opposed through giving birth to your child. And now, hard task # 2. I know. Because,I, have been there.

Whew boy! Alrighty. This is all I can write for now. I'll return to conintue on with my thoughts later. (If I dare.) Meanwhile, feel free to jump in and help me out here and post comments of your own. This is a toughie.