Adoptive Parenting, Child Parenting - Adoption Regrets: Manipulations

12/06/07

Adoption Regrets: Manipulations

Posted by : Faith Allen in Adoptive Parenting Blog at 05:12 am , 435 words, 382 views
Categories: Remorse

Unfortunately, some people are manipulated into adoptive situations that they would not have otherwise considered. Living with the aftermath of manipulation is hard, creating anger and bitterness.

I know of one adoptive couple who considering adopting a three-year-old boy out of foster care. The information that social services provided downplayed the extent of this child's emotional issues. This couple thought that adopting a child as young as three would ensure that the child would have few emotional scars. However, reactive attachment disorder (RAD) is developed during those early years, so adopting a three-year-old does not protect you from this. The couple picked up on some red flags, hired a child psychologist to evaluate the child, and learned that he did, in fact, have RAD. They backed out of the adoption because they knew they were not equipped to raise a child with such severe emotional issues.

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For each couple like this one, there are many more who do not pick up on the red flags. They believe what the placing agency tells them about the child and only later learn that they are parenting a child with issues well beyond their ability to handle. When this happens, nobody is well served other than the foster care system, which has one less mouth to feed. You wind up with a child whose needs are not being met and parents who feel overwhelmed.

Some adoption agencies will manipulate hopeful adoptive parents and birthmothers for their own profit. I was fortunate enough to adopt through a very ethical adoption agency, but I have heard horror stories about others who focus on nothing but the bottom line. When either the birthmother or adoptive parents feel manipulated by the agency, the members of the adoption triad are the ones who suffer. Nobody other than an unscrupulous agency is well served when a woman feels as if her child was stolen from her or a couple is raising a child who they cannot fully embrace as "their own" for whatever reason.

Adoption manipulations need to be grieved so you can put them behind you. Some people spend the rest of their lives nursing the bitterness, which only hurts yourself and your child. Find a way to process your anger in a healthy manner and then make the best of a bad situation.

Also, do what you can to put a stop to these practices. If the agency did anything illegal, take action. Report fraud to the Better Business Bureau. Do what to can to spare another person being deceived by the same manipulations.

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: scrapsbynobody [Member]

· http://scrapsbynobody.blogspot.com/

Been there, done that. Times four (sibling group). Social services can not only downplay, but down right lie or conceal, and their bottom line is indeed served by dumping four children at once. I am still stumped as to how to process anger and bitterness, and grief and regret. I know I have to as the faces stare back at me every day, but preadoption classes don't cover this.

"What to do when you are repeatedly lied to and left holding the bag." Nope, there were no classes with that title.

We are definitely in over our heads and it's a heck of a time to learn how to swim. Everyone is suffering mightily. Do you have any suggestions for how to "make the best of it" and get on the other side of the negative feelings?

Permalink 12/06/07 @ 06:21

Comment from: Nancy Spoolstra [Member]

· http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/

You need to do whatever you can to keep the healthy family members healthy and not derail the healthy members' lives any more than possible. You need to let go of any guilt for the feelings you have, and focus more on how to redirect those feelings into something more positive ... making lemonade out of lemons. You need to take it one day at a time and don't get overwhelmed wondering how you will make it to the magical 18. AND you need to do what you are already doing ... find support and validation amongst others who have been there, done that.

Permalink 12/06/07 @ 08:10

Comment from: John [Member]

I know where you are at Scraps. My 22yo came home at 9, with OCD and impulsivity only. Six weeks later his worker admitted there was 'some' BiPolar history - mom, grandma and great grandma. They were sure mom didn't abuse drugs or booze while pregnant, he is FAS.

Two months after finalization, a large packet with no return address came in the mail, my son and his mom's medical and mental health records. My son has eight different disorders, his life can never be normal. Bitter at the worker? You bet, but that only made me more miserable. Everyone said 'sue um'. Lawsuits take time and raising a very damaged child takes time, he came first.

Nancy has been through this, the magical 18 really isn't magical at all, you are still involved, and you still worry and hope for the future. Yes, I wish I didn't have to live this, but if I didn't, my son would not have anyone. Despite the problems and the limited future, we are family and that is the way it is supposed to be. John

Permalink 12/06/07 @ 14:34

Comment from: scrapsbynobody [Member]

· http://scrapsbynobody.blogspot.com/

Wow John. I can't believe how similar our situations were at placement, and in subsequent months. I know this stuff happens, and we DID ask all the right questions. But the answers were concealed. Now we have an alphabet soup of ADHD, ODD, RAD, possible FASD...the list grows as we go. Partly because we got the big stack of records mailed to us with all these diagnoses that never made it into the child profiles, and partly because we are going through new assessments.

I am just sick at the whole thing. Part of me is sick with fear, as this is way more than we would have attempted. Part of me is sick at seeing what this is doing to our once rock solid family. Part of me is glad it was concealed as the children would still be in a rotten situation right now if they weren't here.

I want to love them, but they are horribly unlovable. No good deed EVER goes unpunished. So I do the best I can, and wonder what the long term effect will be on everyone.

We are getting help, and talking to a variety of professionals, who are very supportive. We are being told that we are doing everything right, and that we have made tremendous progress while the children have been with us. On a good day I catch glimpses of that.

I know there is no magic 18. Three of our children will be 19, 20, and 21 if they stay on track to graduate from here out.

I am not to the point of having figured out how to make lemonade yet. But I'm working on it. Most days I am happy just to contain the damage. But we are learning.

Thank you all for the helpful words of encouragement. I would probably give the whole thing up as hopeless, or just conclude we were not cut out for this...except I realize that many of you felt the same way but kept going and were glad you did.

Permalink 12/06/07 @ 16:32

Comment from: Faith Allen [Member]

· http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/

I am soooo sorry that you are dealing with this situation, but I am also grateful that John and Nancy have some words of wisdom for you.

I have had a very rough week w/my ADHD child. I was in tears about it for days. One friend said exactly what I needed to hear: "God brought you into his life because you are what he needed. Another mother would not have poured herself into her son like you have."

I am trying to comfort in that.

I will post about this topic next week.

- Faith

Permalink 12/07/07 @ 07:30

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