Adoptive Parenting, Child Parenting - Adoption Regrets: Level of Openness

12/04/07

Adoption Regrets: Level of Openness

Posted by : Faith Allen in Adoptive Parenting Blog at 05:03 am , 543 words, 248 views
Categories: Remorse

When hopeful adoptive couples are working through the home study process, they are asked to make numerous decisions, many of which have no connection to anything they have ever experienced. Being asked about levels of openness in adoption is a big area in which hopeful adoptive couples often feel like they are flying blind. Most hopeful adoptive couples do not know anyone with an open adoption, and open adoption is not something you see represented in the media. So, these couples have nothing to base their decision upon other than what the social worker tells them.

Some hopeful adoptive couples immediately say no to any level of openness, insisting upon a closed adoption. Others wind up agreeing to more openness than they really want because a baby is available now, and agreeing to an open or semi-open adoption is a deal-breaker for becoming parents right away. After the dust settles, people on either side of this issue might struggle with regrets.

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Regretting Lack of Contact

Some hopeful adoptive couples might truly believe they want a closed adoption and not educate themselves about the benefits of more openness. Then, after the adoption is finalized, they realize that they are missing out on certain benefits, such as having access to their child's medical records or information about why the birthparents placed the child for adoption. Unfortunately, by this time, it is too late, and the adoptive family will have to wait until the child is an adult before they can reconnect with the birthmother. The adoptive parents might regret not having educated themselves about levels of openness before choosing a closed adoption.

Regretting Level of Openness

At the other extreme are the adoptive parents who chose an open adoption to adopt a baby faster. They might have stopped listening after they heard, "You have been matched with an expecting mother," and simply said "yes" to everything they were asked after that point without giving any thought to what having an open adoption entails. Now, as the dust has settled, they fully realize the level of commitment involved in regular visits for the next eighteen years and regret committing themselves to this.

Whether the concern is too much or too little openness, it is normal to regret any arrangement that is not the best match for your family. At this stage in the game, there is not much you can do other than accept your situation for what it is. It is never okay to close an adoption simply because you regret having made the choice you did. Doing so would be fraudulent to your child's birthmother, especially because she probably would not have placed her baby into your family if you had not agreed to openness in the adoption.

Try to make the best of your situation and focus on the reasons you chose the arrangement in the first place. Those reasons still exist. Even if you do not now believe it is the best situation for your family, it is what it is, and you need to try to make the best of your situation. Also, be sure to educate other hopeful adoptive couples about your situation so that they do not make the same mistakes.

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: John [Member]

Interesting post Faith. The concept of a fresh start for the child is also a valid way of adopting. Folks who choose that method are not kooks or uneducated morons. There are valid advantages to both the fresh start and open adoption, how about a bit more neutality even though it isn't the way you chose to adopt?

I am curious about the dilema of too much or too little contact. Why can't you try to negotiate with the birthparents to arrive at something that works for everyone? Certainly that would take time, but better than simply doing the stiff upper lip bit. Compromise can produce some unexpectedly good solutions. John

Permalink 12/04/07 @ 16:07

Comment from: Faith Allen [Member]

· http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/

Hi, John. I have to respectfully disagree about this post being biased toward the way that I adopted. The focus is on regrets. Some people regret having the adoption closed, and others regret having too much openness. In a perfect world, nobody would have regrets about either.

"Folks who choose that method are not kooks or uneducated morons."

I have never said or implied this. Some people who choose a closed adoption have made an educated choice. I am speaking to those who did a knee-jerk reaction and then later regretted it. (I was one of them.) If I adopted children who had been harmed by their birthparents, as you have, I would have no regrets whatsoever about having a closed adoption. :0)

You make a good point about trying to renegotiate. I should have included that in my post. I was speaking to those folks who slam the door closed after promising openness. I think that is wrong unless there is a good reason for closing an adoption. Just not wanting to continue the relationship is not a good enough reason, in my opinion. That's fraud if you promised openness before the adoption.

I always appreciate your comments, even when I disagree with them. :0)

- Faith

Permalink 12/04/07 @ 16:54

Comment from: John [Member]

It is interesting what can come from negotiation. A realtionship that is stiff and hostile can sometimes open up simply because of all the talking in negotiating a difficult compromise. If nothing else, you each see the other as more human. John

Permalink 12/04/07 @ 18:20

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