When people try to conceive a baby, they hope and pray for a healthy child. In most cases, the expecting mother will make changes in her lifestyle, such as ceasing to smoke or drink and eating a more healthy diet, to increase the odds of giving birth to a healthy child. While taking these steps does not ensure a healthy baby, doing these things does lower the odds of having a baby with medical problems.

Contrast this with the experience of adopting a child. It is unusual to have the opportunity to adopt a child whose prenatal care or life before entering your home was stellar. In most cases, the expecting mother was unaware of her pregnancy during the early weeks when taking prenatal vitamins could have reduced the risk of certain medical issues. Some expecting mothers put substances into their bodies that are harmful to a growing fetus.

When adopting an older child, most have suffered some form of emotional abuse, and many have suffered other forms of abuse or neglect as well. The adoptive parents wind up having to work hard to help the child heal from the aftermath of the abuse or neglect.

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I was one of those starry-eyed hopeful adoptive parents who decided to leap, even though I knew that the expecting mother had smoked throughout her pregnancy. In fairness to her, she was unaware of her pregnancy until the third trimester (he was a very small baby), and she did try to quit. However, the damage was done. He appeared very healthy at birth, so we decided to disregard the facts and hope for the best. I am now raising a child who struggles with asthma and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), both of which are linked to smoking while pregnant.

I am grateful to be my son's mother, but I wish I had fully appreciated the health risks when I adopted him. Parenting a child with these special needs is hard work. I wish I had educated myself before jumping so I would have been more prepared.

I hear parents say this about adopting older children with emotional issues as well. We want to believe that we can love a child to emotional health, but the truth is that some of these kids cannot be reached. You cannot make another person choose to heal.

In these situations, it is important to grieve your regrets. You can still love your child and be committed to him while, at the same time, grieve the regret of taking on a larger issue than you anticipated when you chose to adopt a child. Grieve the loss of the child you imagined you would be raising so you can embrace the one who is in your life today. It is through grieving this loss that you put those regrets behind you and appreciate the family that you have.

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Photo Credit: Lynda Bernhardt