Adoptive Parenting, Child Parenting - Adoption: "I Want to Be Called By My Birth Name"

01/18/08

Adoption: "I Want to Be Called By My Birth Name"

Posted by : Faith Allen in Adoptive Parenting Blog at 05:26 am , 446 words, 481 views
Categories: Adoption-related Issues

One of my adult adoptee friends was always curious about her birth name. She was not a newborn when she was adopted, but she was a baby, so I guess she suspected that she might have a different name on her original birth certificate. Her adoptive mother did not want to share that information with her, and this turned into a difficult situation. Ultimately, my friend did learn what her birth name was but never asked to be called that name.

I wonder if the reason the adoptive mother was so opposed to letting her child know her birth name was because she feared that her daughter would want to use that name instead of the one that the adoptive parents chose for her. I could see where that might be a challenge, especially with a teenager. After calling my son "Nicholas" for 16 years, it would be very hard to start calling him "Ralph," doubly so if I did not care for the birth name. (In my case, Nicholas' birthmother asked what we planned to name the baby and put that name on his original birth certificate, so Nicholas is stuck with his name whether he likes it or not.)

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How do you handle a situation in which your adopted child wants to be called by his birth name? Have any of you had to deal with this situation? I have not been in this situation, so I can only look at it from a theoretical perspective.

If this happened in my household, I think I would start by asking why my son wanted to change his name. Is the focus on "losing" the adoptive name or on "gaining" the birth name? This would help me determine whether this is about issues with his adoptive family versus a desire to connect with his birthfamily.

It is also possible that it does not have to do with either one. Many people choose to change their names as a way of redirecting their lives. For example, many survivors of childhood abuse choose to change their names as part of the healing process. They feel limited by their old name and feel empowered by their new one. Could the child see the birth name as an "adult" name versus the adoptive name being a "childish" one?

As a person who did change my name (when I was seven years old), I would ultimately respect my son's wishes in what he wants to be called. People do not generally change their names without a reason, and I would want to be supportive – even if it meant calling him "Ralph."

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: my2rubies [Member]

I remember when I was kid I wanted to change my name to MaryEllen. Because my friend MaryEllen was the friendliest, happiest person I knew.

My son is quite content with his name. Perhaps that because it's an Americanized version of his Russian name.

My daughter is a different story. I chose for her my favorite girls name. My mother's name is her middle name. Her birthname did not appeal to me, though later I realize that I could/should have been more creative and looked beyond the ethnicized version of the name to an Americanized version that is beautiful. She wants that name so much. It's also (as far as we know) her birthmother's name. I wish I had thought to make it an official part of her name (her third name), but I didn't. So we refer to it that way. It's her third name. It'll likely be her confirmation name when she reaches that age. She's had days where she wants it for her first name but they don't last.

She really can't convey to me why so I really don't know. Someday I hope to find out. And if she wanted to change her name, I'd certainly let her because I know how much it means to her.

Permalink 01/18/08 @ 18:36

Comment from: John [Member]

As one who adopts older children, I assumed you meant using the original last name, changing the first name is rarely done with older kids. Dropping the adopted families last name is a biggie, there is no doubt the child is rejecting the adoption, and their adoptive family. I have heard of it happening, and never with OK results. I would think you are right about changing the first name, why? If the child has never been known by that name, 'it isn't rejecting the adoptive family' sounds unlikely. I would think it would be a mess, if the adoptive parents feel they are being rejected, but the child is intracable. John

Permalink 01/18/08 @ 18:43

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