Adoptive Parenting, Child Parenting - Adopted Child and "Not My Real Mom" Comments

11/05/07

Adopted Child and "Not My Real Mom" Comments

Posted by : Faith Allen in Adoptive Parenting Blog at 05:11 am , 536 words, 403 views
Categories: With Children

One issue that continues to rear its ugly head with my adopted child is the "real mom" comments. I have posted about this a couple of times before (see Related Topics below). Each time I think I have handled it, my son says it again: "You are not my real mom." Here is the most recent episode ...

My friend and I took our children to the park. Our children (ages 6 and 7) were swinging on the swing set and talking in an animated fashion. My son got off the swing and ran across the playground. When he did, his friend yelled out, "Faith is not your real mom." My son did not seem to have any reaction.

My friend immediately called her daughter over to her and had a conversation about how I am my son's "real mom," just not his birthmother. They had talked about adoption several times before, and the daughter kept saying, "I know this already." Her mother told her to use the word "birthmother" and not "real mom" in that context.

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I watched my son carefully, and he truly did not seem upset by her comment. I asked him later if what his friend said upset him. He said, "No, because you are not my real mom." (Insert head-banging emoticon here!)

My son is only six years old, so I think words like "biological mother" do not really mean anything to him. In his six-year-old mind, his birthmother is his "real mom" because she is the person who gave birth to him. He definitely seems to understand the basics of his birthmother giving birth to him and choosing hub and me to parent him. I know he is bonded to me, so his statement is not a rejection of me. Also, I do not think he comprehends the inference that if I am not his "real" mom, then I must be his "fake" one.

I really think he sees "real mom" as interchangeable with "birthmother" and that, at this stage in his life, he is totally okay with it. He was bothered by fears of his birthmother "rejecting" him a while back, but he seems to have moved past that and made peace with having a "real mom" and me (the "not real mom"). To him, I do not think the words are that important.

So, I guess I can live with this for now. In a perfect world, my kid would not think of me as his "not real mom," but I think I might be making things more complicated than they need to be. My kid knows another woman gave him life. He knows I am raising him and that I love him. He is at peace with all of this, so why should I rock the boat by making an issue over his verbiage? At this stage in his life, he gets what his adoption means to the extent that he can, and he is at peace, so I guess that is enough for me.

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: MamaS [Member]

Maybe the opposite of "real" is not "fake" but instead "unreal". There are certainly days when I feel totally unreal!

Permalink 11/05/07 @ 06:39

Comment from: Faith Allen [Member]

· http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/

Last night, my son said, "You know who my real . . . I mean my birthmom is? Here name is ___." I had not said a thing. So, I think he is still trying to sort through it all in his own way.

- Faith

Permalink 11/05/07 @ 08:07

Comment from: John [Member]

I used the pinch test, when the boys would come up with that. My point was if you can't touch them, they are not real. One son was determined to continue, so I introduced myself to his teacher (new school year) as 'Hi, I'm John, Steven's unreal father', got the job done.

Six is a tough age to get the distinctions, but you do have to be the primary parent, not an also ran. Just my thoughts. John

Permalink 11/05/07 @ 14:32

Comment from: Faith Allen [Member]

· http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/

I love the introduction! My son's teacher said that if she ever hears him say that I am not his real mom, then she will say that she is not his real teacher. LOL

- Faith

Permalink 11/05/07 @ 15:58

Comment from: csatory [Member]

The comments in reply to Faith Allen's article are missing the point. As an adoptee—well past age six—I remember how it was at that age to not have a "birth story". At that age kids are learning about family, and at school many teachers focus on creating the family tree. Imagine what it is like to hear all the other kids talk about grandparents, great-grandparents etc and not being able to participate. Of course at that age kids also share birth stories. Biological mothers who kept there children love to share the 9 months before birth and then what happened at birth.

This lack of connection is hard to sort out for six year olds and I totally disagree with getting frustrated or upset about "real moms/dads" and "unreal moms/dads". Basically you are telling your children that they should keep quiet and not question their origins.

Why don't you instead, respond as my parents did? Yes, you were born from a different woman, but a mother/father is the person who loves you when you are well, when you are sick, feeds you etc......

Quit thinking of your pain and frustration, you are the adults, think about how your responses, flippant or hurtful are impacting your children. They have to live and deal with the fact that for whatever reason, they are not like most of the kids they know.

Permalink 11/14/07 @ 00:55

Comment from: Faith Allen [Member]

· http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/

Thank for your providing the adoptee's perspective. It really helps to have an adult articulate what my young child might be thinking.

Take care,

- Faith

Permalink 11/14/07 @ 04:48

Comment from: Marsha Higdon [Member]

WOW----read Nancy Verrier's books (Primal Wound and Coming Home to Self) and you will indeed have a great insight as to 'why' even at six--your son has feeling on the subject even if he isn't talking about it.

Permalink 11/14/07 @ 09:14

Comment from: Faith Allen [Member]

· http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/

I have read Primal Wound. While I thought it made some good points, I do not see the adoptee's situation being as hopeless as the book suggests.

- Faith

Permalink 11/14/07 @ 09:58

Comment from: scarlet moon 13 [Member]

Sounds like he wants to make she he knows she is real.

Both moms are real as you know, one gave birth, one is there everyday,
both love him, the love from both of his mom's is real love.

>>Yes, you were born from a different woman, but a mother/father is the person who loves you when you are well, when you are sick, feeds you etc

Permalink 11/14/07 @ 21:18

Comment from: patriciadischler [Member]

· http://www.patriciadischler.com

I spent the last 17 years teaching preschool and one thing I've learned is: adults think too much! At 6 years old children don't get caught up in individual words, they often get them wrong, the focus is just on creating a picture of the world around them. As adults react to the words they use it affects this view. A negative reaction to a child using the world "real" attaches a negative feeling to their birthmother. The words aren't important - it's the feelings and reactions they encounter. Let them use whatever word works for them, stay positive in your reactions, end it with a hug and a smile and you'll set the stage for a child with a strong self-image and the capability to love ALL his parents!

Permalink 11/15/07 @ 09:26

Comment from: csatory [Member]

Thank you for responding so positively to my adoptee perspective. I totally agree with Patricia Sheidler's observations. It is the feelings and reactions of my adoptive mother that I reacted to at that age. Because she was matter-of-fact about it, other kid's taunts didn't affect me. In fact I turned it around and was so positive that all my friends starting wishing they were adopted!

My teen years were a different story. Emotionally Rough.......The Primal Wound has some very good points especially about the searching for identity during the teen years. The emotional ups/downs are really magnified, but don't think that we adoptees are fragile and so damaged that we can't get past it.......Your steadfastness, love and learning to not personally take offense when we blurt out our "in-the-moment" pain (like all teenagers do) will diffuse any long term trauma. Most adoptees just need to be reassured (probably more frequently than non-adoptees) that they are unconditionally loved and accepted for who they are---warts and all.

Thank you for not taking offense. I truly want you and your children to not go through the fights and emotional struggles I did with my mother during my teen years. Keep that love flowing and remember, given a choice between you and your child's biological mother, I'm betting your child would choose you!

Permalink 11/15/07 @ 19:01

Comment from: Faith Allen [Member]

· http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/

Thanks, csatory. I really do want to hear from the adoptee perspective.

"Keep that love flowing and remember, given a choice between you and your child's biological mother, I'm betting your child would choose you!"

I really appreciate what you are saying. I just hope my son knows that I will never force him to choose between his birthmother and me. :0)

Take care,

- Faith

Permalink 11/15/07 @ 19:05

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