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Sometimes I’m surprised at how much adults expect young children to understand about adoption. There is little disagreement in the adoption community that the sooner a child is informed that he or she is adopted the better. But what is it that we think is “the better” about it?
There seems to be this misunderstanding that simply because young children can talk about “being adopted” they understand what it means. Those that don’t believe a young child fully comprehends what it means, tend to still be equally misguided in believing that the young child’s discussion about adoption indicates his level of comprehension about the matter is taking root and developing. Both assumptions are erroneous.
Many adoptive parents experience a false sense of security and comfort when their preschooler expresses with a cute pout, “I wish I had been in your tummy mommy.” Often, the parents are very moved by such commentary and presume it reflects a child’s comprehension of a very complex concept. Sometimes the parents will use this as a cue to launch into a heartfelt–and usually far too sophisticated–discussion about what adoption means. After the conversation has concluced everybody feels all warm and fuzzy that the child’s understanding of adoption is beginning to bloom. In all liklihood, it’s not. At least not in the way adoptive parents want to believe that it is.
Children are very adept at pleasing the adults in their lives. By this, I don’t mean manipulative people pleasing behavior. I mean the genuine desire to please because it feels good. I am convinced that sometimes the discussions young children initiate regarding adoption are reinforced by their parents’ responses and the comments they hear their parents make afterwards to one another and possibly to other friends and relatives.
My daughters are 8 and 9 years old. They were adopted when they were 3 and 4. Neither of them fully comprehends the concept of adoption. They are both just starting to really understand that I have not always been their mother. Sometimes they just completely forget that little fact. Cognitively they are not able to always hold that reality in place.
My oldest daughter has a faint memory of their foster mother, she was the only mother they ever knew. Interestingly, the things she seems to remember the most are the visits back and forth between ours and the foster mother’s home. For some reason, that is a very consolidated memory for her. It appears that on some level she believes I have always been “there” in her life; that my function was something like a babysitter and then “one day” they came to live with me. This, despite the consistent story we frequently discuss about how we became a family.
My youngest daughter does not remember her foster mother at all. I was shocked to discover that. We always talk about Miss Jane, when we are going over the story of how we came to be a family. Always. She has a picture of Miss Jane on her dresser for pete’s sake!
One day my youngest daughter and I were engaged in some activity or another and I was rambling on and on about Miss Jane and the things they used to do before we became a family. My daughter interrupted me and said with a giggle, “Mommy, I don’t know what in the heck you are talking about!” I couldn’t believe it. At first, I thought she was just pulling my leg. (Maybe she was just trying to please me?)
After we talked some more it became apparent that my daughter’s earliest memories that are available to her in storage and that she is able to access and retrieve actually start with me and her father, our family. So, I asked her, “well what did you think we meant when we kept saying you were adopted?” I reminded her that sometimes she talks about her “real mother” and I asked her what did she think that meant. I asked her in disbelief about the picture of Miss Jane that we keep onher dresser.
My daughter was able to parrot back her understanding of what it all means and has always meant to her. It essentially simply involved her retelling the story of how she was born, that her first mother was too sick to take care of her, she went to live with Miss Jane until we adopted her, now we’re a family forever, yadeyadeya.
I wasn’t surprised that she still does not fully comprehend the concept of adoption. I knew that to be the case. But, I genuinely thought that her and my oldest daughter’s knowledge that they had not always lived with me facilitated their concrete understanding of it all. Obviously, I was wrong.
So. Back to my original question, what does “the better” mean when we say the sooner we tell our children they are adopted the better? I think it simply means that it lays the groundwork for ongoing discussion until the child reaches the point where he or she truly can begin to grapple with and comprehend the personal meaning of adoption. It does not seem to mean that early discussion equals early comprehension or even the early seeds of comprehension.
Even if they don’t really understand, I wish that more parents got the message that their children need to hear the word “adopted” really early on so that they have always known that they were, indeed, adopted. I’ve heard from adult adoptees who recall how hard it was to be sat down and actually told, while others who grew up always knowing did not have such an issue.
I think it’s important to hear the word and equate it with love and family. I have all too clear memories of my best friend, at age 6, hearing that she had been adopted from another 6 year old – who said she had been “bought.” She was devastated, and it marked a period of severe emotional distress in her life.
Whether or not our children are of an age to grasp the greater concepts, the ideas of love and family and wanting are things I think they can understand at almost any age, and I’m a firm believer that they should hear those things at home as young as possible – to know that they’re loved and feel secure in that – and also because they’re bound to hear other things from their peers or well-intentioned and misinformed adults.
I think you’re absolutely right about the level and scope of comprehension, and we often do get carried away and give TMI (my granddaughter’s favorite expression at the moment = too much information) – but I agree that the word with meanings of love and belonging that young children *can* understand should be right out there from day one.
I liked this blog so much I’ve sent off the link to my family to read. Thanks
My husband is adopted and now we have two adopted children. When we were dating I asked my husband when and how he found out he was adopted. He couldn’t answer that. He just always knew. There was not one pivitol moment. As others here commented, he was always told he was adopted. And of course his comprehension developed with age. He has never really had any issues with his adoption. This is how we chose to raise our children – we have talked about adoption from the beginning. As a matter of fact, I am the wierd one out in the family because I am the only one not adopted!
I have had several kids in my youth group who were adopted. They too had “always” known they were adopted. The idea was expressed to them at a young age and they grew in their understanding of that meaning. Their parents did always equate the term adoption with love. They had questions as they grew but they were confident in the answers because their parents had always been straight forward with them. Their comment to me about others they knew who found out suddenly at a certain point in life is that the feeling was as if “everyone knew but them.”
I guess better is that is a gradual understanding rather than a point in time where everything you know is questioned. I’m real new at this thought process so my viewpoint comes through the lens of others I’ve heard who have had more experience.
Good thought provoking post.
It seems to me that the idea of waiting to tell a child – at whatever age, 5, 10 or 30 – is a really risky proposition. Even the idea of waiting any length of time and then making telling your child that “you have something to tell them” makes their adoption into some dramatic, shameful event.
I think it is so much healthier if they are not “told” at all, but, that adoption is just always a natural topic of discussion. They need to always know and learn as they can absorb it later just what it means to be adopted.
Wow. Thanks for your comments everyone! I’m always searching for topics that will engage others and this one seemed to stimulate thought. I really appreciate you taking the time to share yours.
Perhaps one could mention to a child “Of all the children in the world we chose you” and then leave it at that and not dwell on it.
I’m 68 years old and an adopted child (family adoption). I found out from a classmate when I was around 12. He assumed I knew.
I didn’t know the truth about my birth parents until I was 17 and then I learned it from someone else.
The 17 years of lies bothered me much more than the facts which were no big deal to me.
Now I’m the legal guardian of my three great-granddaughters and I don’t want to repeat the well intentioned mistakes of my parents.
I answer questions as they come up as honestly and kindly as possible.
It’s a balancing act.
I meant to add how much I like this site. I linked to you the other day in my comment on a Blogging Baby post about lack of foster care and adoption for older children.