I have three daughters, adopted at ages 15-17. Our home was their first adoptive home in all three cases. In all three cases, the children grew up in a home with both birth parents. In all three cases, there were extenuating circumstances in the birth homes that prevented healthy attachments for the girls – parental mental retardation, severe/life threatening health issues from infancy on, parental mental illnesses, or birth parents who were completely emotionally unavailable. Yet, the girls remained in those homes until their teen years. Aside from birth parents, they all had siblings and extended family that offered varying forms of attachments for them.

When the girls came to us, they were troubled to say the least. The diagnosis of reactive attachment disorder was offered for all three. Instead, these girls had a LOT to work through for us to figure out their real problems. They were willing to do the work and it was hard. But, eventually we found out that they WERE ABLE to attach once they learned to trust.

The difference with my children that have RAD is that they are NOT able to attach. We have to start from a level even more basic than we did with the older girls.

Not only do I have the three oldest daughters who do not have RAD. But, in 23 adoptions of children with mental illness and RAD, the two children who arrived to us at the youngest ages are also the most severely afflicted with RAD. Age can’t be the greatest determining factor.

Another side note, my greatest “parenting accomplishment” is a little newborn boy that we fostered straight from the hospital. We held that baby and loved that baby (and probably contributed to early developmental delays since we almost never put him down!). But, one thing I know – as heartbroken as I was to send that little boy off to be adopted by an uncle at 8mos old – I had happiness in my heart of knowing that this was one LESS boy to add to the world of attachment disorder. I occasionally hear from the new parents and they continue to confirm that happiness. That’s so much the devastation in kids who have RAD – to know that it could have been prevented.

It could have been prevented. Yet, age at adoption is not the way to find out whether or not a child will have RAD. Again, take the time to investigate, to find out more, and consider the option of adding an older child to your family. The struggles are often large, but the blessings are so great with these older children who need a home!