This week marks a milestone for my children: their birthmother’s birthday. We have an open adoption by mutual request, thus, I have the kids make something and we send it off.

My daughter seemed particularly sad this year as we created our gifts. I asked her about it, and her eyes welled with tears. She said she missed her birth mother. Now, I’m not at all competitive with her birthmother, but I questioned this a bit. Whereas my daughter does recall certain fairly catastrophic events in her childhood, and has the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) to prove it, by and large, she has forgotten the day-to-day life with her birth family. She was placed in foster care somewhere around her 4th birthday, and her little brother was not quite 3. I’m not saying the possibility that she could remember things doesn’t exist, but rather she has said things like she doesn’t remember what her birth mother looks like, and tends to talk much more about her birth grandmother, with whom she lived for awhile.

I validated my daughter’s feelings, and said I understood that she was sad. I also told her that her birth mom loved her very much, and would be sad if she knew that her daughter was sad, because what she did was so hard, and it was because she wanted her daughter to be happy and have a better life than what she was able to provide.

My daughter thought about that for awhile. She wrote a little bit. She drew a little bit. Then, I don’t remember what made us goofy, but all of a sudden we were giggling and the moment passed.

I don’t know if I handled it in the right way or not. I do want to validate my children’s feelings. Yet, I don’t want them to lapse into depression, either. Because of my daughter’s PTSD, it’s a fine line, to be sure. I try to keep contact with her birth family because I said I would, and honestly, because I really do feel it is the right thing for our particular situation. But, at the same time, I try to balance that contact with a watchful eye to see how they handle the interaction and if it continues to be a healthy one for them. There are times when I’ve felt the need to pull back just a bit from weekly calls to their birth grandmother, to more occasional calls, letters and e-mails, only because of the effect it seems to have on the children at various times. When they appear to be able to handle it, we have more contact.

I know this will be a life-long balancing act. For my children. For their birth family. For my husband and I. But, I am hopeful that by being in tune with my children, and really communicating and listening, we can navigate these uncharted waters.

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Part three of our Choosing Quality Child Care series will discuss how to assess the program portion of the child care setting:

Contracts: Is there a contract that clearly spells out policies, procedures, fees, and expectations?

Predictable routines: Not a rigid schedule (0800 report for snack!), but rather can children generally know what to expect? For example, naptime comes after lunch every day, and outdoor time comes after naptime, snack comes after outdoor time, etc.

Décor: Are things at children’s eye level? Is their own artwork posted where they can see it? Can children reach things with a fair amount of independence and autonomy?

Age appropriate activities: For infant programs, are there mirrors at the child’s eye level? For all ages, are there activities that support emerging developmental stages (i.e. items for infants to pull up on as they learn to stand and walk; items labeled with words and pictures to support sight reading skills and language acquisition, etc.)

Designed with children in mind: For example, toddlers often bite because they do not have the language yet to communicate needs. Therefore, does the program offer a learning environment with this in mind? There would be fewer selections so as not to overstimulate a child, yet more than one of each selection so that infants and toddlers who cannot yet share would not compete for toys, thus bite or hit, etc.

Program philosophy: Does the program match the parent’s educational philosophy and the child’s needs? Some programs focus on sensory awareness, some are more academic in nature, some help build pro-social skills.

Are transitional objects allowed?: Some children still need lovies, binkies and the like. Some programs discourage this, others understand that these items represent security to children in an unfamiliar environment.

Anti-Bias Curriculum (ABC): ABC dictates that there be a balance of books and decorations that depict various ethnicities and genders performing a variety of work (women construction workers, male nurses, etc.). This becomes particularly crucial for trans-racially adopted children, to help support them in seeing others “like them.”

Parent/Provider Communication: Often programs will have a daily logbook for each child wherein the parents and providers can communicate. Not replacing face-to-face communication, but because drop-off and pick-up times can be hectic and busy, there may be issues parents and/or providers want to make sure the other knows. For example, a child might be teething, thus a little cranky. Perhaps a child fell during outdoor time and scraped a knee. By the same token, are the providers people that you feel you can communicate with one-on-one should the need arise?

Child-Initiated vs. Teacher Directed: Some programs have areas dedicated to free play, tactile/sensory awareness, art, reading or quiet area, etc. The children are allowed to choose the areas they wish to explore and the areas are updated frequently to provide a variety of learning experiences. Other programs are very teacher directed meaning the children do what the teacher has decided that they will do. Children learn best when they are involved in activities they find engaging.

Do the caregivers enjoy children?: In addition to required Early Childhood Education units, CPR, fingerprint checks, etc. do the providers truly enjoy interacting with children?

Gut Reaction: Follow your gut instinct. Often your parental instincts are correct. By the same token, don’t allow biases to color your perception. For example, many parents in programs I worked in did not want their children around male caregivers, because of a “***” stereotype. This completely discounted the fact that their children had fathers, most of whom were active, loving, co-parenting partners in child care, and that those same children would grow up to be loving fathers (or partners of fathers).

Hopefully this series has helped you assess various child care options and programs, and assisted you in choosing a quality program for your child.

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Yesterday’s post dealt with the various options available to adoptive parents seeking to place their children in child care settings. Today’s post will address what to look for in a program and assess its fir for your child.

Whether in a traditional Child Care Center or a home-based Family Child Care program, indicators of a quality program will include the following:

Low caregiver to child ratios: This number will vary from state to state, but generally one caregiver to 3-4 infants (depending upon age of infant), and 1 caregiver for every 6-8 preschoolers, depending upon age.

Caregiver background/qualifications: Center-based caregivers are required by law to possess a certain number of Early Childhood Education units (this number will vary from state to state). These are specialized classes with respect to child development, curriculum planning and best child care practices. Center directors/administrators must carry additional units related to running a center-based program.

Low turnover: Particularly with children who have been adopted and may already have separation issues or attachment disorders, consistency is key. Particularly during certain developmental cycles (stranger anxiety, separation anxiety).

Written/posted/practiced disaster plan: Are there routinely scheduled drills, emergency preparedness kits for each child and caregiver

Clear sign-in/sign out policies: Children must be singed in each day with parents signature or initials and signed out. If someone else will drop off or pick up, that should be communicated in advance, or if it’s an emergency, you should list every conceivable person who might ever be called upon to pick your child up. Further, that person should be prepared to show picture ID. If there is a custody dispute or restraining order, caregivers should know not to allow your child to leave with the other parent.

Discipline policy: How are disciplinary issues handled?

Unannounced visits: Once a child is enrolled (not while a parent is still evaluating the program and thus a stranger to enrolled children) parents have the legal right to fully access their child and may do so unannounced if there are concerns.

Complaint information: Each state will maintain any previous complaints regarding the facility. Keep in mind that some complaints are unsubstantiated (proven not to have happened) and will not be listed in the complaint file. Substantiated complaints and those that are inconclusive (not able to be determine if the infractions occurred or not) will be listed.

Grievance procedures: Are there clear avenues for addressing and resolving issues with the center?

Illness: Are there strict sick day policies (tangibles such as: temperature, mucus color, etc.), and are they enforced? What if a child becomes ill during the day? Are there isolation areas so as to prevent the spread of illness?

Sanitization: Are toys cleaned and sanitized daily (particularly for infants and toddlers who tend to mouth things)?

Facilities: Separate toileting facilities for children and staff?

Infection control: Are hand washing/universal infection control techniques utilized?

Medications: How and where are meds stored? Medications must be clearly labeled, with the label still attached. Providers should be aware of the need to administer the medication with clear instructions as to timing and dosing. Parents must give written consent.

Safety precautions: Does the program use latches, child safety equipment, and areas not accessible to children for items not safe for children?

Emergency cards: Emergency cards must be on file for each child and must be current.

Diaper changes: There should be a separate area for changing diapers, and a sink for hand washing that is separate from the sink used for the preparation of food.

Our next post will discuss programmatic indicators of quality.

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My background is in Early Childhood Education, and pre-motherhood, I worked for a social service agency that helped parents choose quality child care. I created and delivered workshops, and educational materials to help parents navigate the many options available to them.

If you need, or desire, to put your child in a child care setting, here are some tips to keep in mind:

Finding Child Care:

Contact your Employee Assistance Program: Some companies offer on-site child care, discounted child care with contracted providers, dependent care flexible spending accounts (pre-tax dollars that can be used for child care expenses), and/or provide assistance in choosing child care in the form of onsite workshops in choosing child care and/or enhanced referral services (someone assigned to you to help you locate programs according to your specifications in terms of price, location, hours, etc.).

Contact a local Resource and Referral (R & R) Agency: These are agencies that offer a free service to all parents seeking child care. They can give you the names, fees, hours, location of providers that meet your specifications. Unlike the enhanced referral option discussed above, these counselors are not assigned to you, and usually will not follow up with you. They will get some very detailed information from you about what you need or want, and can tailor a list to meet those needs, such as someone who speaks a specific language, or has experience with a certain condition (though by law, providers are not allowed to discriminate based on language, religion, special need, etc.). These R & R agencies often offer workshops, parent information sessions, handouts, newsletters and the like. To find an R & R near you, visit their national website.

Child Care Options:

Child Care Centers: These are formal centers providing child care services. Centers usually serve a wide range of ages from infants through after school care. They are required to be licensed with the state, and have specific child to adult ratios dependent upon the child’s age. They are inspected by the state prior to being granted a license, and periodically afterward.

Family Child Care Homes: These are private homes that you take your child to. Most Family Child Care Centers provide a formal child care experience complete with activities and filed trips, just in a homey setting. These providers also may have a wide variety of ages represented. They are required to be licensed by the state, and have specific limits on how many children can be cared for, as well as child to adult ratios. They are inspected by the state prior to being granted a license, and periodically afterward.

Nannies: Unlike Family Child Care, nannies are your employees and work in your home. Unless you contract through an agency (who will deal with payroll, tax withholding, etc.) you are considered the employer and must verify eligibility to work in this country via an I-9 form, withhold certain taxes, provide all materials. Whether through an agency or hiring on your own, families are well advised to have their provider fingerprinted (either at the potential candidates expense, the parent’s expense or splitting the cost). A nanny worth her salt may already have proof of fingerprint clearance for you to check.

Tune in tomorrow as we discuss the indicators of quality child care, and what to look for in a child care setting.

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I wrote in a recent post about how I’d been looking over old e-mails to our children’s social worker, just as we were beginning to explore adoption. One of those early e-mails warned that the kids were sometimes too cute for their own good, in that people were tempted to overlook a great deal that they ought not to, in light of the severe behavioral issues they had at the time.

It’s still been a struggle to figure out exactly what methods work best with each little personality. My daughter tends to cycle: she’ll be fine for a couple of months, then she’s back to lying…or stealing…or wetting/soiling herself. She will resist every bit of schooling for home school. And will look at you the most innocent of innocent expressions on her face, and swear up and down that she didn’t do X, Y and/or Z. You look at that beautiful, innocent face, and think about all she endured while in the care of her biological parents, and you want to look the other way.

But not today.

I’d had enough. Why? Because, I, too, was “too cute to discipline.” As an only child (and one whose parents were divorced), my mother “compensated” for my loneliness by spoiling me. I rarely heard the word, “no,” and I remember only once was I ever spanked. And I was a terror on wheels, and I knew it.

Like most girls her age, my daughter loves “Hannah Montana” (aka Miley Cyrus). We have a song of hers called Girls Night Out (G.N.O.), and part of the song says,

I am fine
And it’s time
For me to draw the line

Today, I did.

I told my daughter, “Enough!” I’m drawing very clear boundaries. I laid out my expectations for school. I laid our my expectations regarding the stealing/lying/peeing/pooping. After almost eighteen months, she knows the rules. Further, she knows right from wrong, because she will often try to hide the peed/pooped clothing, or whatever she has taken without permission, and/or lie to avoid being detected or to get out of whatever it is she does not want to do.

Usually, I get pretty mad. Launch into Parental Lecture #329. Take away some privilege or beloved toy. And stew the whole time. But equally, once I calm down, I will take some time and tell her about me as a little girl. She loves these stories. She begs me to tell them over and over again. So, today, I told her one. I believe it clicked.

After telling her about “little me,” she usually clings to me like glue. She wants to be near me. Craves my approval. Needs to physically touch me or hug me. She’s afraid the love will go away. We usually read one of The Forever Child books, “A Tale of Lies and Love.” A Book about a little girl who tells lies. It resonates with her, and she loves to re-tell it to “the boys” (her brothers).

I know that the bonding is a good thing. I know she identifies with me, and I with her. She knows I “get” her. I’m determined that the boundaries stay. They are clear. They will not change. But neither will the love. When she does something meriting correction, she will clearly know she still has my love. But she will also see that “line” that Miley sings about.

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Before my youngest came to me, I noticed on the phone that he said, “Huh?” a lot. I asked his foster parents if he had had his speech and hearing checked. They stated they had, but it had been awhile, and he was pretty squiggly through the whole thing being 2 or 3 at the time. They had him checked out again, and sure enough, he had a chronic sinus condition, while not oozing green so as to clue folks in, was significant enough to make his hearing incredibly difficult. All this at an age where his speech was still developing, thus, his speech was often unclear.

From what I understand, he had been to Head Start as well as some sort of after-care situation. However, when he came to us, he could barely hold one of the jumbo sized pencils made for pre-schoolers. He certainly wasn’t at the level most of his four-year-old peers were: he couldn’t recognize letters of the alphabet or basic numbers on sight, and he could not count even to 10. Further, he could not even write his three-letter nickname. His speech was peppered with, “I’m dumb,” “I can’t...” and the like. It was heartbreaking.

Now he can write the eight-letter hyphenated formal version of his name. He can recognize pretty much all the shapes, can count confidently to 10 and a little beyond, and is working his way through alphabet recognition. His speech is clear, and his vocabulary has sky-rocketed

Part of this is due to the fact that we homeschool, and I can spend a lot of one-on-one time with him. But here are some other things that helped him gain confidence:

Praise: Offer genuine, sincere praise for the effort, even if the result is less than perfect, it’s the effort that matters.

Realistic goals: We didn’t expect him to learn to count to twenty right away. In fact, we just went over 1 though 5, over and over again. Then, we went to 10. Baby steps. And we rewarded each one.

Incentives: Yes, I believe in the power of stickers. Fun, full-colored stickers are someohow equated in a child’s mind with “good job!” Thus, my kids work harder to get them.

Catch them doing well: When you see them coloring inside the lines, tell them! “You really did a great job of staying inside the lines!” “I like the way you said, ‘Please” when you asked for more.” Not only do you offer praise when it isn’t expected, you reinforce learning, by labeling words, shapes, manners or whatever it is.

My son loves “doing school.” He wants to work for hours on end, sometimes. Even on weekends or holidays, he’ll ask to “do school.” He gets so excited when he masters new skills. And, now, instead of, “I’m dumb” he loves to say, “I’m a genius boy!”

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Regular readers will know that my oldest has auto-immune Type 1 diabetes, which necessitates a blood sugar check somewhere in the neighborhood of 2:00 a.m - 3:00 a.m. But last night, this Mama pulled an all-nighter!

I usually stay up if my son is high (and sometimes if he’s low) to re-check in an hour. This morning, he was low, so I went and got some juice, woke him up and adjusted his insulin pump.

As I left the kitchen, I was met in the hall by my daughter, who informed me that she had one of the nosebleeds she frequently suffers from. After ascertaining that she was okay, I headed back to my room, and stayed up a little bit.

It seems like my head had just hit the pillow, when I heard a terrified scream from one of the kids rooms. My youngest had a nightmare, something he and his sister both still have plenty of sixteen months post-adoption.

As tired as I already was, that Mama radar picked up the scream and it seems that I flew to his room! He reached up for Mama and I told him to come on to our room and tuck in with us.

Now, remember, I’m pretty tired here, and I’ve got hubby and a little guy that not only thrashes, but picks the absolute most uncomfortable place to lay his head on me, all with my rear end hanging off of the bed! It was so comical, I just lay there with a bemused expression on my face, marveling at how blessed I was to have this job! Blessed to know that when my children are really in need, sometimes only Mama will do.

I woke up briefly as hubby was getting ready for work (today is not a holiday for him), and there was my little snuggly boy next to his Mama. The next time I woke up, the kids had all made cards for me, thanking me for working the night shift. It seems as though a little birdie told them, as he went about getting ready for work.

I love this job…and the benefits are pretty amazing, too!

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In my previous blog , I highlighted where presidential candidate, John McCain stands on certain issues related to adoption. In giving equal time to both candidates, the following is what I have been able to find on Senator Obama’s position on issues that adoptive parents may be interested in.

These blogs are NOT intended to support either candidate at all, just to shed a little light on the subjects.

It is not possible to compare and contrast Senator Obama’s views with Senator McCain’s views since the candidates’ websites do not address exactly the same issues. These blogs are not meant to be an endorsement of either candidate, but rather to shed some light on the issues that we as adoptive parents, or potential adoptive parents may feel are important to our families.

Any quotes are taken directly from Barack Obama’s website so as not to misconstrue or misquote any information.

Mental Health coverage

For many of us, our children are dealing with mental health issues in various forms. Some have good medical coverage, some less than adequate.

As president, Obama will support mental health parity so that coverage for serious mental illnesses are provided on the same terms and conditions as other illnesses and diseases.

Barack Obama’s website does indicate a position on making changes for people with disabilities. If you have adopted an older child or a child with physical or emotional disabilities, you may be interested in this section.

First, provide Americans with disabilities with the educational opportunities they need to succeed.

Second, end discrimination and promote equal opportunity.

Third, increase the employment rate of workers with disabilities.

And fourth, support independent, community-based living for Americans with disabilities.
That’s the short version.

The plan itself is outlined rather extensively on his website.

One of the issues touched on in this extensive plan is Autism Spectrum Disorder, which John McCain addresses on his website as well.

Autism

Barack Obama and Joe Biden will seek to increase federal ASD funding for research, treatment, screenings, public awareness, and support services to $1 billion annually by the end of his first term in office. They will mandate insurance coverage of autism treatment and will also continue to work with parents, physicians, providers, researchers, and schools to create opportunities and effective solutions for people with ASD.

Autism is one issue that both John McCain and Barack Obama directly address on their respective websites.

Barack Obama highlights two programs geared toward families. One is to help low income and first time mothers gain parenting education to help their newborn children. The other is directed at fathers staying involved in their children’s lives either financially or as an active parent.

Both John McCain and Barak Obama want to work toward lower prescription costs and reforming the Medicaid program. Details are unavailable on these two issues. Both candidates also want to reform the current health care system. I have tried analyzing these issues to be able to present a concise comparison, but quite frankly, I don’t fully understand either candidate’s position.

Whether you are in favor of John McCain or Barak Obama, the important thing is to exercise your right to vote.

John McCain on Adoption Issues

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If you’re anything like me, you’re ready for the political ads, phone calls, billboards and everything else to be over with.

However, as adoptive parents or potential adoptive parents there are issues that we need answers on but are not the things that are usually discussed in political debates, nor are they the targets of all those political ads we have been hearing for months.

This blog, and the following one will highlight what I have been able to find about each candidate on the issues important to us. These blogs are NOT intended to support either candidate at all, just to shed a little light on the subjects. I cannot completely compare and contrast the candidates’ views since their websites do not directly address exactly the same issues. I am simply choosing issues that adoptive parents may deal with or be interested in.

John McCain falls first alphabetically by last name, so the blog on him will be first, followed by a blog on Barack Obama. Whichever candidate you vote for, just get out and vote.

The candidate’s positions expressed here are taken directly from John McCain’s website so as not to misinterpret or misquote any information.

Adoption

If you are not aware, John McCain and his wife, Cindy, adopted a daughter from Bangladesh. What I did not know was that there are actually three adopted children in the McCain family, and all were adopted as “older” children. Douglas (born 1959, adopted 1966), Andrew (born 1962, adopted 1966) and Bridget (born 1991, adopted 1993).

With that information, Senator McCain’s position on adoption is not surprising.

As president, motivated by his personal experience, John McCain will seek ways to promote adoption as a first option for women struggling with a crisis pregnancy. In the past, he cosponsored legislation to prohibit discrimination against families with adopted children, to provide adoption education, and to permit tax deductions for qualified adoption expenses, as well as to remove barriers to interracial and inter-ethnic adoptions.

Autism

Currently the rate of Autism in the United State is about 1 in 150 people. These numbers have risen greatly in the past several years.

As President, John McCain will work to advance federal research into autism, promote early screening, and identify better treatment options, while providing support for children with autism so that they may reach their full potential.

In 2006, Senator McCain cosponsored the Combating Autism Act. In November 2007, he worked with other to hold a hearing on federal research efforts regarding various aspects of Autism and how it can be cured or treated.

Both John McCain and Barak Obama want to work toward lower prescription costs and reforming the Medicaid program. Details are unavailable on these two issues. Both candidates also want to reform the current health care system. I have tried analyzing these issues to be able to present a concise comparison, but quite frankly, I don’t fully understand either candidate’s position.

To be continued with Barack Obama's positions on adoption issues.

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You are getting ready to finalize on the adoption of your child, or maybe you have just finalized. Now you get the daunting task of changing your child’s name on all the various records. You may not realize how many things you have to change until you’re going through the process.

In most cases in order to change your child’s name you will have to show the adoption decree at the very minimum. Some places may require you to show your child’s old birth certificate, the new birth certificate, guardianship papers (if applicable), social security card, or other forms of identification. Some will allow you to do make the changes by mail or phone. Others will require you to do it in person.

Here is a list of records that you will need to change. This may just be a partial list for your child, but it is a starting point.

School records

Social security card

Your will – If your child was listed in your will by a previous name

Medical records
Pediatrician
Psychiatrist
Therapist
Any specialists that are applicable
Hospital – if applicable

Insurance
Private insurance
Medical Assistance – if applicable
Dental insurance
Vision insurance
Life insurance
Disability insurance – if applicable

Financial records
Bank accounts
Education accounts
Stocks
Bonds

Library card

Post Office

Passport – if applicable

If you adopt a teenager, things like auto insurance, driver’s license and employment records will require a name change.

You may run across other places where your child’s name has been used that you will need to notify, but you may not remember until you are in the situation at the time.

The sooner you make the change on all applicable records, the less likely you are to have an insurance claim denied or lose other benefits because they are hung up on a technical issue. Knowing that the name change is coming, you may be able to obtain the paperwork before hand and begin submitting it as soon as you receive the adoption decree or the revised birth certificate.

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