Adoptive Parenting

Back in the 1990’s I spent some time in Guatemala. Completely surrounded by a foreign culture and a foreign language (both of which became second nature to me while I was living there a while), I was a long way away from home and away from that wonderful lady who gave birth to me and raised me- my mother. I know the 90’s don’t seem like that long ago, but technologically it sure was. Email hadn’t yet become popular, so our main form of correspondence was by snail mail. And when you’re that far away it took about 2 weeks for a letter to travel from one to the other, then 2 more weeks for a reply. International calling still cost us an arm and a leg back then (or… [more]

F-E-A-R-L-E-S-S  Letters spelled out in splashes of bright paint across the soft brown sides of the little horse.   A four legged canvas for the word that she wanted to stay forefront in her mind as she thought back to her time at the Ranch.  Words attached to memories.  Memories that she tucked away like treasures to be brought out in times of struggle and darkness.  Memories that would give her the strength to break free. Those memories threatened to flood her even now, fresh on her mind, as she stepped back to admire her art.  The intimidation at the size of her partner for the week- how the little mare seemed so large that first day.  She remembered her uncertainty the first time… [more]

It was a beautiful day yesterday.  A treasure to enjoy before the cold weather sets in.  Early fall, the sun was shining, the leaves just starting to turn orange, red and yellow.  We ran around as a family; cleaning the garage, cheering at soccer games, friends stopped by, the boys looked for frogs and played wiffle ball in the backyard. In the afternoon, my husband piled as many boys as he could fit in his car and took them out to lunch. I took Eliza, my four year old in my car. She wanted McDonalds (sorry health nuts), or Old McDonalds, as she calls it, so we went to get her Happy Meal, and I got the requisite boring mom salad.  We… [more]

I am well aware of the intricacies of sibling rivalry. I grew up in a very large family with eleven siblings of my own. I know that siblings can love each other one minute, hate each other the next and then love again. My youngest, and my next to youngest, have been engaged in an on going tug of war of anger, jealousy and love. Days of shoving, arguing, tattling mixed with times of love, playing and laughter. A true microcosm of the larger human word and all of our interactions with each other, person to person, culture to culture, country to country. I suppose it should come as no surprise really. It was bound to happen at some point. Kids are kids, they… [more]

A good friend of mine, Jessica, adopted a child from China about ten years ago.  When Jessica's daughter was around four, she exhibited a lot of anxiety whenever Jessica left the house.  Jessica would want to pop out for a trip to the grocery store, coffee with her friends, or even a date with her husband, and her daughter would go into a rage, screaming and clinging to her mother, begging her not to leave her.  Jessica had two other children, neither of whom exhibited this behavior, and she was perplexed as to why her daughter would feel so insecure.  And why she would do it now when she hadn't been that way as an infant or toddler. She told me about the… [more]

I love the word family and how it has evolved. 50 years ago, if we would have asked a group of people what a family was it would have been such a boring answer. "A dad, a Mom, and 2.5 children." Maybe they would have gotten really crazy and added a pet. I love the fact that we are living in a generation where all families can be accepted. I was a young mom. I had my first son at 19 and decided to become a solo parent. His biological father was not the kind of person that I wanted to influence my child so I figured that me alone was better than us together. It was the best decision that I… [more]

It's Father's Day and across the country dads are opening up presents: ties, barbecue tools, car gadgets, the latest technological mechanism guaranteed to make their life easier.  Or perhaps they are going to spend the day on the golf course--after breakfast in bed, no doubt!  Whatever it is, I hope all dads get to celebrate. I've made this observation before, but it seems that the adoption literature is full of stories written by adoptive mothers.  We hear their voices and know their perspective.  No doubt it has to do with the fact that when it comes to adoption, often it is the woman who is the driving force. But what of adoptive fathers?  Who are these men who willingly go along with their wives… [more]

The other day I wrote a post about single parenthood, a fact of life for many adoptive families.  A lot of people (mostly women, but not all) choose to parent on their own, while others, like mine, become single parent homes after the children arrive.  The other day I mentioned a recent study by the Pew Research Center which indicates that there is a bias when it comes to single parents and that about 2/3 of Americans believe that families headed by single mothers are actually bad for society.  An attitude that definitely  hurts my feelings! I come to this issue from two perspectives: First, I grew up in a single parent household, and now I am experiencing it firsthand as a single… [more]

There was a recent poll taken by the Pew Center for Research recently which dealt with changing trends in American families.  The questions asked to over 2,500 Americans had to do with trends in American families and whether the individuals who were polled considered various things to be good, bad, or of no consequence to society.  People were asked about a variety of different family arrangements: more mothers of young children working outside the home, more people of different races marrying, more gay and lesbian couples raising children, and more single women having children without a male partner to help raise them,..... The researchers called about a third of the respondents (31%) “accepters”--About half to two-thirds of this group say that these trends… [more]

A little foresight can save you a lot of money sometimes. I think that concept is pretty true for most things, actually. In many ways, I feel I subscribe to this belief. I scour ads to compare big ticket items (as long as they're on sale, that is); I try to think of realistic value for every dollar spent. In adoption, I don't believe in the exact same principles. Sure, we compared agencies, but I didn't let the bottom dollar amount dictate our decision. Adoption can be, at times, quite costly. We wound up making a mistake in the process of adopting our third child that I'd like to share in hope that it will prevent others from doing the… [more]