If you choose not to tell your adopted child that he was conceived through rape or incest, you will be living with a secret for the rest of your life. This secret can be an emotional time bomb waiting to explode if your adopted child finds out in another way. Before deciding to keep this information a secret, consider the following issues:

1. What will your cover story be?

Your child is likely to have questions about his birthfather that you will need to answer. If you choose to keep the truth a secret, then you will need to have alternative answers... more

If your adopted child was conceived through rape or incest, should you tell him? Many people argue that an adopted child should never be told this information. Here are the reasons why:

1. This knowledge can affect your child’s self-esteem.

It is a struggle for many teenagers to feel good about themselves. Between their raging hormones and all of the angst that comes along with the teen years, many teenagers struggle with their self-esteem. A child’s adoption adds another... more

If you choose to tell your adopted child that he was conceived through rape or incest, you will need to proceed with caution. This kind of information has the ability to set off an emotional explosion for your adopted child. Before discussing this information, consider the following issues:

1. Decide when to tell your child this information.

Rape and incest are difficult topics for adults to discuss, and they are even more complicated to discuss with a child. This is not information... more

If your adopted child was conceived through rape or incest, should you tell him? Many people argue that an adopted child is entitled to know this information. Here are the reasons why:

1. An adoptee’s history is his own.

Many people argue that an adoptee is entitled to know the truth about his own life. No matter how ugly the truth might be, an adoptee’s right to know the truth outweighs well-meaning secrets. Nobody likes to feel like everyone around him knows more about his own history... more

One of the most controversial areas of adoption is the decision of whether to tell an adopted child that he was conceived as the product of rape or incest. Many people feel very strongly one way or the other, and each side of this issue makes some very good points. I do not have the answers for whether it is better for an adopted child to know this information about his beginnings. However, I can offer you a discussion about both sides of the issue and then let you draw your own conclusions.

I have combined the... more

Throughout my series on resilience, I have been primarily focusing on the resilience of abused adopted children. Now let’s talk about the resilience of adopted children who were never abused. They, too, need resilience as they face their adoption histories.

I was quite disturbed when I first learned about the book The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier. In a nutshell, the author asserts that... more

In my last post, Is Resilience in Abused Adopted Child a Genetic Trait?, I stated that I do not believe that resilience is a genetic trait. I make this assertion based upon my experience in talking with hundreds of adult abuse survivors from all walks of life who reacted to the abuse very differently. Whether an abuse survivor has become very successful professionally or struggles each month to pay the... more

In my last post, Resiliency and the Adopted Child, I kicked off this series about resilience. I shared that a reader named Fenyimom and I had a discussion going on Perceptions of Irresponsible Adult Adopted Child about whether all adopted children who had suffered abuse had the ability to lead productive... more

On my post, Perceptions of Irresponsible Adult Adopted Child, a reader named Fenyimom and I discussed our differing views on the ability of adult survivors of trauma to be able to succeed as adults. I take the position that all trauma survivors who have maintained their sanity have the ability to make good choices and heal. Fenyimom disagrees. (I recognize that those whose sanity snapped will... more

In my last post, Perceptions of Irresponsible Adult Adopted Child, I talked about how insulting it is to an irresponsible young adult to assume that he does not have the ability to learn how to make better choices. I promised to provide advice for how to teach an adult adopted child responsibility in this post. Here is my advice: Love your adult adopted child enough to allow him to make his... more