My adopted child is also an "only child." I had always planned to have two children who would be spaced about two years apart. This was not meant to be. By the time we were invited to do a home study to adopt a second child, my son, Nicholas, was three years old. By the time our profile was being shown to expecting mothers, Nicholas was approaching his fourth birthday. We ultimately decided not to adopt again and just to enjoy our only child.

Nicholas is now going through a tough time because of this decision. He is six years old, and he just started... more

Over my last couple of posts, Speaking Ill of Adopted Child’s Birthparents and Helping Adopted Child Understand Abusive Birthparents, I have shared some of the factors that helped me to make peace with my own abuse history. I am hoping that you, as adoptive parents, can use my experience to help guide your adopted child toward finding the same peace.... more

In my last post, Speaking Ill of Adopted Child’s Birthparents, I stated that there are some situations in which I believe it is helpful to an adopted child when the adoptive parents speak ill of an abusive birthparent. I believe that this is an important step toward helping an adopted child make peace with his abuse history. Another important step is for the child to understand that the abuse was always about the abuser and never about him.

I... more

Most people agree that adoptive parents should not speak ill of an adopted child’s birthparents. Because the adopted child is biologically related to his birthparents, they share a connection. Speaking ill of his birthparents has the potential of making the child feel badly about himself.

But what if the birthparent was abusive to the child? Is it ever okay, or even beneficial, to speak ill of the child’s birthparent? This is a controversial area in adoptive parenting, and people on either side of the issue generally feel very strongly about their position.

I... more

For the past several days, I have been discussing how to handle talking with an adopted child who was conceived through rape or incest. Several readers have contacted me with questions that I did not cover in this series, and I am working my way through answering those questions.

One reader asked the following question:

Do you know of any online resources that discuss ways to talk to kids about rape, or that suggest any strategies... more

For the past several days, I have been discussing how to handle talking with an adopted child who was conceived through rape or incest. Several readers have contacted me with questions that I did not cover in this series, and I am working my way through answering those questions.

One reader raised a question that I had not even considered: How do you talk to your child about being born as a product of prostitution?

Prostitution is known as "the... more

For the past several days, I have been discussing how to handle talking with an adopted child who was conceived through rape or incest. Several readers have contacted me with questions that I did not cover in this series, and I am working my way through answering those questions.

One reader asked the following question, which relates to the child's own rape rather than his birthmother's rape:

Are you going to cover rape/incest that happened... more

For the past several days, I have been discussing how to handle talking with an adopted child who was conceived through rape or incest. Several readers have contacted me with questions that I did not cover in this series, and I am working my way through answering those questions.

One reader asked the following question:

How [do you] deal with the fact that we can't know with absolute certainty the "true" story of what happened to our... more

For the past several days, I have been discussing how to handle talking with an adopted child who was conceived through rape or incest. Several readers have contacted me with questions that I did not cover in this series. My next three posts will respond to those questions.

One reader asked the following question:

What ages would be ideal for telling a child this information? We are thinking before the teenage years, but how early is... more

Throughout this Adopted Child Conceived by Rape/Incest Series, I have been exploring the difficult issues surrounding whether or not to tell your adopted child that he was conceived by rape or incest. I combined the two topics because, in most cases, pregnancy resulting from incest was also through rape. The only difference is that a blood relative committed the rape. While most of the issues surrounding rape and incest are the same, some important differences... more