One issue that continues to rear its ugly head with my adopted child is the "real mom" comments. I have posted about this a couple of times before (see Related Topics below). Each time I think I have handled it, my son says it again: "You are not my real mom." Here is the most recent episode ...

My friend and I took our children to the park. Our children (ages 6 and 7) were swinging on the swing set and talking in an animated fashion. My son got off the swing and ran across the playground. When he did, his friend yelled out, "Faith is not your real mom." My son did not... more

In a sermon, I heard a pastor say that every person needs to be hugged at least 10 times a day to be happy. He said that many of us are "hug-deprived" and that we would be a happier society if we would simply hug one another more frequently. I do not know where he got his data, but I see a lot of truth in what he said.

How often do you hug your child? Does your child even want to be hugged?

My son used to give me my "daily hug" every day, but he abruptly stopped when he entered first grade. I think he thinks he is "too old" for that, which breaks my heart. However,... more

As I wrap up the Discipline and Adopted Child Series, I would like to focus on an area that is related to discipline – modeling good behavior. The importance of modeling good behavior is often overlooked as part of the discipline process, but the behavior you model to your child can be a powerful influence over how your child behaves.

For example, I have tried many methods to get my son to make his own bed. One method or another will work for a while, but he always falls... more

Many adopted children have some form of special need. Whether that special need arose from life before entering an adoptive home, from prenatal care, or just the way that life turned out, some adopted children are resistant to the forms of discipline that work well for other children. For those children, we adoptive parents need to get creative!

I have tried just about every type of discipline, both positive and negative, with my son that was not abusive. Because of his Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity... more

Spanking is one of the most controversial areas of discipline, and the controversy only heightens when you throw adoption into the mix. I know a man who adopted an older child whose birth parents had routinely beaten the child and his siblings. This adoptive father had to find alternative ways to curb the child's behavior. He pointed out that when a child has endured numerous beatings, a swat on the behind is not going to make a difference in his behavior.

While what this adoptive father said is true, I see the real damage coming from the flashbacks that a... more

Time outs are the big fad of this generation. I have used them myself with varying levels of success. I found that time outs worked better when my son was younger. As he has moved on to his school-age years, I find that putting objects into time out works much more effectively to curb his behavior than putting him into time out.

People do time outs in different ways, but most agree on the formula of one minute of time out per year of life. For example, you would put a two-year-old child into time out for two minutes. When my son was a toddler, I gave... more

I am big fan of the book Parenting With Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. The focus of the book is on teaching children responsibility, and the authors point out that human beings learn best through making mistakes. When we have the freedom to make the wrong choice, we learn from the logical consequences of our actions and then make a better choice the next time.

One example they provide... more

Another way I teach my child discipline is by encouraging him to do for himself whenever possible. I am a big fan of Maria Montessori, who saw that enabling a child to do for himself is a gift to the child. Most children want to feel like a productive member of a group. (Some children who have suffered abuse are an exception.)

Some older adopted children, particularly those suffering from Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), might resist taking responsibility for themselves, but learning... more

Giving a school-age child chores and an allowance is an effective way to teach a child responsibility and discipline. The concept of chores might be foreign to some older adopted children while, to others, having responsibility around the house is second nature. For a child who was made responsible for age-inappropriate tasks before his adoption, he will have the opportunity to shine doing more age-appropriate tasks. Also, earning an allowance is a perk to just about any child, whether adopted or not.

Opinions vary on the topic of chores and allowance.... more

Many people think of discipline as only using the negative tools, such as spankings or time outs. I have found that positive discipline tools can be very effective for teaching or changing some behaviors. I try to start with using positive discipline tools for teaching or changing any behavior that does not have the potential to cause personal or property damage.

Positive discipline tools can help build a child's self-esteem, which is particularly important for the adopted child who was sent the message that he was "worthless" before joining your home. Abused children... more