Giving a school-age child chores and an allowance is an effective way to teach a child responsibility and discipline. The concept of chores might be foreign to some older adopted children while, to others, having responsibility around the house is second nature. For a child who was made responsible for age-inappropriate tasks before his adoption, he will have the opportunity to shine doing more age-appropriate tasks. Also, earning an allowance is a perk to just about any child, whether adopted or not.

Opinions vary on the topic of chores and allowance.... more

Many people think of discipline as only using the negative tools, such as spankings or time outs. I have found that positive discipline tools can be very effective for teaching or changing some behaviors. I try to start with using positive discipline tools for teaching or changing any behavior that does not have the potential to cause personal or property damage.

Positive discipline tools can help build a child's self-esteem, which is particularly important for the adopted child who was sent the message that he was "worthless" before joining your home. Abused children... more

When thinking about discipline, I believe it is important to think through your goals in disciplining a child. If your goal is just to curb a child's behavior in a particular situation, then you are missing the bigger picture. We want our children to learn from the discipline we impose and be able to apply what they have learned to future situations. Otherwise, we will constantly be punishing our children and having to have the same conversations each time they enter into any new situation. While this is not a good dynamic for any parent/child relationship,... more

When people talk about discipline, I often see polar opposites clashing. On one side of the ring, we have the "spare the rod and spoil the child" camp who believe that spanking is the only correct form of punishment. They point to the Bible in support of this position, and they believe that any child who is a disciplinary problem just needs a "good whoopin'." These people often talk about how their parents would tell them to go pick out a stick for their spanking, just like their grandparents and great-grandparents did. On the other side of the ring, you have... more

My post Deciding to Adopt a Child: Uncompromising Positions sparked some discussion about discipline options. One reader said –

Please consider a series of posts on the topic of discipline, as this is an area of parenting which holds so much potential for success or failure. - Sunbonnet Sue from Deciding to Adopt a Child: Uncompromising Positions

This... more

On my post Traumatized Adopted Child's Need to Purge Emotions, a reader posted the following comment:

Getting the kids to let it out seems to be the really difficult part. They have learned so well to keep the protective shield up, that it is very difficult to get past that. One of mine never did, and pays a price for that trapped anger. Any chance of a post of 'how to' in getting the child to start letting that trapped stuff out? Great post Faith.... more

In my last couple of posts, Why Adoptive Parents Need to Slow Down and Why Adoptive Parents Need to Connect with Others, I have been talking about how important it is to let go of the busy-ness of life and make time to connect with other people.

One big issue I see in many people around me is the failure to nurture themselves. While this is not... more

In my last post, Why Adoptive Parents Need to Slow Down, I stated that one danger in keeping our lives too busy is that it leads to isolation. For whatever reason, Western society has lost sight of the necessity of connecting with other people. For us adoptive parents, it is doubly important that we teach our children how to connect with other people because of the issues they will deal with as they process their adoption histories. Whether this involves processing... more

One of my biggest frustrations in my day-to-day life is being surrounded by people who live their lives at 60 miles per hour. This phenomenon is certainly not limited to adoptive parents. However, as adoptive parents, I believe it is even more important that we learn how to slow down and then teach this skill to our children. We were not entrusted with our children to clutter their lives with activities and “stuff”: We were chosen so we could connect with, love, and cherish our children.

I do not know why Western society has become so obsessed with... more

Many adoptive parents struggle with feeling pressured to be a “perfect” adoptive parent. The adoptive home study does not help because it makes a hopeful adoptive parent feel like he has to prove that he will be perfect.

Unfortunately, our human condition makes this an impossible goal, which only sets us up for failure. No matter how hard you try, you will never be a “perfect” parent. You are going to yell at your child when you should not. You are going to make the wrong decision on a day when you are already feeling stressed out about other things that are going on... more