Time outs are the big fad of this generation. I have used them myself with varying levels of success. I found that time outs worked better when my son was younger. As he has moved on to his school-age years, I find that putting objects into time out works much more effectively to curb his behavior than putting him into time out.

People do time outs in different ways, but most agree on the formula of one minute of time out per year of life. For example, you would put a two-year-old child into time out for two minutes. When my son was a toddler, I gave... more

I am big fan of the book Parenting With Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. The focus of the book is on teaching children responsibility, and the authors point out that human beings learn best through making mistakes. When we have the freedom to make the wrong choice, we learn from the logical consequences of our actions and then make a better choice the next time.

One example they provide... more

Another way I teach my child discipline is by encouraging him to do for himself whenever possible. I am a big fan of Maria Montessori, who saw that enabling a child to do for himself is a gift to the child. Most children want to feel like a productive member of a group. (Some children who have suffered abuse are an exception.)

Some older adopted children, particularly those suffering from Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), might resist taking responsibility for themselves, but learning... more

Giving a school-age child chores and an allowance is an effective way to teach a child responsibility and discipline. The concept of chores might be foreign to some older adopted children while, to others, having responsibility around the house is second nature. For a child who was made responsible for age-inappropriate tasks before his adoption, he will have the opportunity to shine doing more age-appropriate tasks. Also, earning an allowance is a perk to just about any child, whether adopted or not.

Opinions vary on the topic of chores and allowance.... more

Many people think of discipline as only using the negative tools, such as spankings or time outs. I have found that positive discipline tools can be very effective for teaching or changing some behaviors. I try to start with using positive discipline tools for teaching or changing any behavior that does not have the potential to cause personal or property damage.

Positive discipline tools can help build a child's self-esteem, which is particularly important for the adopted child who was sent the message that he was "worthless" before joining your home. Abused children... more

When thinking about discipline, I believe it is important to think through your goals in disciplining a child. If your goal is just to curb a child's behavior in a particular situation, then you are missing the bigger picture. We want our children to learn from the discipline we impose and be able to apply what they have learned to future situations. Otherwise, we will constantly be punishing our children and having to have the same conversations each time they enter into any new situation. While this is not a good dynamic for any parent/child relationship,... more

When people talk about discipline, I often see polar opposites clashing. On one side of the ring, we have the "spare the rod and spoil the child" camp who believe that spanking is the only correct form of punishment. They point to the Bible in support of this position, and they believe that any child who is a disciplinary problem just needs a "good whoopin'." These people often talk about how their parents would tell them to go pick out a stick for their spanking, just like their grandparents and great-grandparents did. On the other side of the ring, you have... more

My post Deciding to Adopt a Child: Uncompromising Positions sparked some discussion about discipline options. One reader said –

Please consider a series of posts on the topic of discipline, as this is an area of parenting which holds so much potential for success or failure. - Sunbonnet Sue from Deciding to Adopt a Child: Uncompromising Positions

This... more

On my post Traumatized Adopted Child's Need to Purge Emotions, a reader posted the following comment:

Getting the kids to let it out seems to be the really difficult part. They have learned so well to keep the protective shield up, that it is very difficult to get past that. One of mine never did, and pays a price for that trapped anger. Any chance of a post of 'how to' in getting the child to start letting that trapped stuff out? Great post Faith.... more

In my last couple of posts, Why Adoptive Parents Need to Slow Down and Why Adoptive Parents Need to Connect with Others, I have been talking about how important it is to let go of the busy-ness of life and make time to connect with other people.

One big issue I see in many people around me is the failure to nurture themselves. While this is not... more