Birthparents

Most adoptive parents dread the thought of being seen as “not real parents” to their adoptive children.  The pendulum seems to swing in the opposite directions out of adoptive parents’ fears, minimizing the role of the birth parents with the use of the qualifier (“birth” or “biological”, etc.), while at the same time taking offense at similar qualifiers with their own title ("adoptive" parent instead of just "parent").  Is there a better way? If we stop thinking of the title “parents” as being strictly limited to a certain definition, we are able to accurately represent all parties.  In my own life (I was not adopted), I have several people in my life with the title “parent”.  My mom and dad, of course, but… [more]

It was a beautiful day yesterday.  A treasure to enjoy before the cold weather sets in.  Early fall, the sun was shining, the leaves just starting to turn orange, red and yellow.  We ran around as a family; cleaning the garage, cheering at soccer games, friends stopped by, the boys looked for frogs and played wiffle ball in the backyard. In the afternoon, my husband piled as many boys as he could fit in his car and took them out to lunch. I took Eliza, my four year old in my car. She wanted McDonalds (sorry health nuts), or Old McDonalds, as she calls it, so we went to get her Happy Meal, and I got the requisite boring mom salad.  We… [more]

I am slightly sleep deprived. Wait, let me back up. I have a new baby--a beautiful little girl--and I'm slightly sleep deprived. Sometimes life takes some unexpected turns. And sometimes the outcome of said unexpected turns is amazingly beautiful. As some of the more regular readers might recall, we were in the process of adopting from Ethiopia. Long story short, before we even started on compiling our dossier, we had a change of heart and decided to pursue an adoption through the foster care system. In the middle of December, we met with our new social worker (did I mention we needed a completely new home study even though we just had a favorable one approved in July? More on… [more]

Let me be the first to say that I believe in the freedom of speech wholeheartedly. If I don’t agree with your stance on something or you personally don’t subscribe to my theories on insert-topic-here, I welcome that difference. As long as there’s no slander/ abusive language or concepts (and the like) involved, I believe the element of debate in speech is one of the greatest freedoms one can maintain. That said, I will admit to this: the first time I heard a handful of anti-adoption rhetoric, it floored me. I’m not writing this blog today to try to convince you that adoption is the answer, or that your opinion of the very process should be purely favorable, no matter the surrounding circumstances. To be… [more]

This week marks a milestone for my children: their birthmother’s birthday. We have an open adoption by mutual request, thus, I have the kids make something and we send it off. My daughter seemed particularly sad this year as we created our gifts. I asked her about it, and her eyes welled with tears. She said she missed her birth mother. Now, I’m not at all competitive with her birthmother, but I questioned this a bit. Whereas my daughter does recall certain fairly catastrophic events in her childhood, and has the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) to prove it, by and large, she has forgotten the day-to-day life with her birth family. She was placed in foster care somewhere around her 4th birthday, and her little… [more]

I am two! Can you believe that it is already that time again? It is time to write our semi-annual Dear Birth Mom letter and update. The months seem to fly by unbelievably fast and it has already been six months since our last update. Our darling daughter has just turned two years old. It seems like just yesterday I was rushing to Texas to meet her for the first time. Now, she is the one rushing, in every direction at once most of the time. She has been transformed from an enchanting little baby to a beautiful little girl in two years. Dear Birth Mom, Now that Amigrace has turned two, it is obvious that she has inherited your tall, lean, and muscular build. At her… [more]

One of the criticisms I’ve heard within the adoptive parent portion of the triad, is that open adoptions are “confusing” to the child somehow. For example: * Having two mommies and/or two daddies * Along with the above, which is the “real” parent? * Birth parents will want to “co-parent” and thus “diminish” the authority of the adoptive parent We have an open adoption. We routinely send pictures to our children’s birth family. We talk to them on the phone. We mark special occasions with cards, presents, and/or calls. We send frequent e-mails. One such case was today. Yesterday, I shared that I received a lovely e-mail from the kids’ aunt with a link to her online photo album. The kids got to… [more]

Awhile ago, I posted a little something about keeping what’s important to birth families. It had to do with a conversation we had with our children’s birth mother about having the kids continue with swimming, as she had been a competitive swimmer. A couple of weeks ago, I posted a follow-up, now that summer is here and the kids are actually in swimming, and how it was an homage to their birth mother. I’ve also blogged extensively about our open adoption, and how we send pictures, cards, and mark other occasions. Just a couple of weeks ago, I posted their swimming pictures to an online album, and sent their birth family the link. It’s been difficult to attach so many pictures to… [more]

Last month, I blogged about enrolling my children in swim classes to honor a hope expressed by the children’s birth mother. Today, the children finished their first two-week session of the summer. They are enrolled in four two-week sessions altogether. They received certificates and the two youngest passed all of their requirements for the next level. As mentioned, my oldest has never really been comfortable in water, so whereas he didn’t pass to the next level (I signed him up for this level again, knowing this might happen), his teacher gave him high marks for his vast improvement over the two-week session in terms of honest effort and at least making the effort to try. I immediately came home and scanned the certificates and sent them… [more]

All children go through emotional growth periods where they seem to have a deeper understanding of the world around them and their place in it. You can see it when your toddler begins to feel safe in playing 10 feet away, and then in the next room. Adopted children go through these emotional growth periods in their understanding of their adoption, and what the adoption means to them personally. In an open adoption, you may begin talking about birthparents, and visiting them as you leave the hospital. A toddler cannot completely understand about adoption or birthparents. However, there comes a time, as the child matures, when a light turns on and the child suddenly, gets it. You will recognize these stages because there will be many… [more]