All children go through emotional growth periods where they seem to have a deeper understanding of the world around them and their place in it. You can see it when your toddler begins to feel safe in playing 10 feet away, and then in the next room. Adopted children go through these emotional growth periods in their understanding of their adoption, and what the adoption means to them personally. In an open adoption, you may begin talking about birthparents, and visiting them as you leave the hospital. A toddler cannot completely understand about adoption or birthparents. However,... more

My son and I were talking a walk around the neighborhood when we came across an "It's a Girl" balloon on a mailbox. Nicholas pointed to the balloon and said, "Look, Mom! They adopted a girl!" Of course, we do not know these people and have no idea whether that baby joined their family through birth or adoption, but I think it is really cool that Nicholas immediately assumed that the baby joined the family through adoption. This tells me that he sees adoption as normal rather than as an anomaly that makes our family different.

What makes this doubly... more

If you have a family pet, then you have a wonderful way to help a younger adopted child understand adoption. The family pet is clearly not blood-related to the other family members, but he is a welcome and beloved member of the family. Such a complex concept as adoption can seem much more simple with a concrete example like the family pet.

I have used our dog to help my son understand why his birthmother would choose to "give him away." I explained that his birthmother did not give him away. Instead, she wanted my son to have the life that he does,... more

One issue that continues to rear its ugly head with my adopted child is the "real mom" comments. I have posted about this a couple of times before (see Related Topics below). Each time I think I have handled it, my son says it again: "You are not my real mom." Here is the most recent episode ...

My friend and I took our children to the park. Our children (ages 6 and 7) were swinging on the swing set and talking in an animated fashion. My son got off the swing and ran across the playground. When he did, his friend yelled out, "Faith is not your real mom." My son did not... more

I want my adopted child to know that he can ask me anything about his adoption. As his mother, I am in the best position to know what to say and how to say it so that my adopted child can understand his adoption in the best possible way. However, I am not the person he is going to turn to if he perceives that I am uncomfortable with talking about his adoption. How can we, as adoptive parents, make ourselves approachable on this subject?

For me, talking about adoption with my kid is similar to talking with him about sex. Yes, both topics can be uncomfortable... more

In my post, How to Talk Your Adopted Child through “Real Mom” Comments, I talked about ways to help your child handle comments from other people stating that the adopted child does not have a “real mom.” Another challenge adoptive families face is how to handle your adopted child turning this comment against you.

When my son’s kindergarten friend told my son that I was not his “real mom,” my son was very hurt.... more

I knew it was inevitable for my adopted child to hear a comment about his adoption at some point in his childhood, but I was surprised when this started in kindergarten. My son was very upset after school one day because his friend had told him that I was not his “real mom.” How can a parent reassure her adopted child that he has a “real” family?

On another occasion, this same child in my son’s class said that my son “does not have a mom.” I was floored by this comment, even more so than the first,... more

This can easily be both the easiest and hardest part of adopting a child into a family that already has other children. “Adoption means you’re part of our family.” Yep, it’s both easy and hard to explain.

Our first adopted child was first our foster child, with a return home plan. The case plan for these two children changed gradually and so we were able to present these changes to all of the children as they happened. First, they understood that the children were staying with us, so that we could take care of them because their mommy and daddy... more

So, the children seem to have a good understanding of what foster care is. What happens if that plan changes to adoption? What happens and how do we explain to the children that they won’t be returning to live with their parents?

First, it needs to be explained to the foster child. In an ideal world, it would be the birth parents who explain this to their child. In a “less than ideal, but still somewhat okay” world, it would be the child’s therapist with whom the foster child has an established relationship. Even further down the chain of “best... more

Most foster families already have one or more other children in their home when they accept placement of a foster child. How do you explain the concept of foster care and foster children to your other kids?

At our house, it hasn’t been a huge issue. I suppose it’s because our children were very young when we began foster care. We had 3 birth children, ages 7, 4, and 17mos. We also were parenting a niece, age 3. We had been raising our niece since she was three months old, so having that situation be a normal part of our family situation almost surely... more