I left a comment earlier this week at the Adoption Search Blog saying that I wanted to continue the dialogue about the use of the word unwanted in referring to the birth circumstances of adopted children. I gave a lot of thought to this because I know that I am one of the offenders.

After reading the post I have made a decision to stop using that language and to start using unplanned instead of unwanted. I've already made the change in fact. I was in a staffing meeting as a consultant yesterday and I deliberately used the term unplanned pregnancy in reference to a young soon-to-be mother.

Perhaps I became comfortable... more

Sometimes I'm surprised at how much adults expect young children to understand about adoption. There is little disagreement in the adoption community that the sooner a child is informed that he or she is adopted the better. But what is it that we think is "the better" about it?

There seems to be this misunderstanding that simply because young children can talk about "being adopted" they understand what it means. Those that don't believe a young child fully comprehends what it means, tend to still be equally misguided in believing that the young child's discussion about adoption indicates his level of comprehension about the matter is taking root and developing. Both assumptions... more

I ended my discussion yesterday about supporting your adolescent's reunion with his or her parents with suggestions about making the initial contact a campaign of written exchanges. I emphasized the fact that this method of communication could go on for months. Once you and your child feel you are developing a meaningful rapport with your child's birthparent via this method of communication it is time to move to the next level of contact.

Before, I go into the details of this any further, let me now digress and explain the psychobabble rumination about why I developed this particular... more

I have read with great interest the many posts here, and on the adoption forums, about the different aspects of reunions. I have not run across anything yet that offers suggestions on specific therapeutic steps parents can take to promote a positive reunion experience.

I have a protocol that I have used for years in supporting adoptive parents, who contact me with concerns about the when and the how of supporting their child's reunion efforts. Typically these calls come from the parents of teenaged children who have started to express an interest in meeting their mom... more

Well, I said I would post some thoughts on how we have managed, thus far, to have a successful adoption. So, I thought I would start with the basics. I am convinced that our complete and total honesty with our social worker about what kind of a child we wanted set the stage for our successful adoption.

When our social worker asked us what kind of child we were looking for we were very specific. I told her I wanted a physically healthy, attractive, bright little girl between the ages of 2 and 4. I was not averse to a child who had been substance exposed in utero, because I knew the recent research was unequivocal that with the exception of alcohol, many drug exposed children, when... more

In my previous post I mentioned the comment left by a reader who said

"When you've heard about one adoption story, you've heard about one adoption."

I'm curious. I wonder how different people define a "successful" adoption story.

Does a successful adoption mean different things to different people? Or, is there some template that we have in our heads by which we measure success as an adoptive family? Is the standard for success as an adoptive family any different from the standard by which we measure success as a family with biological children? It seems that I'm always posing questions to which I have very few answers. But, I always give it... more

My mother died before I became a mother. That makes me sad. I miss her terribly. My father knew my son, but, then he died when my son was five. He never met the girls. I miss him too. That makes me even sadder.

Once when my son and I were talking he had an "a-ha" moment when he realized that I didn't have any parents and that I had not had a mother for a very long time. I think he was about eight when that occured to him. He was very sincere when he told me that I should have gotten someone to adopt me, "like we did with the girls" so that I could, "have some parents, because everybody needs parents." Out of the mouths of babes. Everybody, needs parents.

I guess I'm reminded... more

So. I'm chatting with a woman that I had just met and whom I did not expect to encounter again when she starts to talk about adoption. I don't automatically launch into an "I know all about adoption" conversation with every passing acquaintence. Sometimes, (gasp!) I just listen. Imagine that! (My darling husband swears that is a lie because he cannot fathom me ever just listening.)

At any rate, I am, in fact, just listening and this woman mentions that her husband is adamant that they adopt a girl. They already have a biological daughter. The woman said she was... more

Alright. Let's talk about it. Let's get it out in the open. In my experience, the most common and the most offensive stereotype about adoption is that adopted children grow up to be psychopathic killers. There. I said it. It (hacks) me off when I hear it and sometimes it is the uspoken sentiment behind less overt statements, but, it is there. There is even a website that is devoted entirely to listing the serial killers who were formally or informally adopted!

For those who don't go to the extreme of stereotyping our children as being criminally predisposed, there... more

My daughters are getting older, and I am finding that I am the one who is starting to feel the compulsion to initiate The Search. I don't know that I've ever read about that anywhere. Adoptive parents who feel the need to Search, not for their kids'sakes, but, for their own.

I am quick to point out that this desire is qualitatively different from a willingness to have an open adoption. I did not want that and I do not at all regret that choice. But, I love my kids so much. So much, that I am starting to feel the need to know more, to experience more, about them.... more