My son’s adoption is a semi-open one. Unfortunately, his birthmother moved without leaving a forwarding address, so his adoption is now effectively closed. However, even without contact, there are still ways that I can encourage my son to see his birthmother in a positive light.

Before I get into the “how to’s,” let me share something my son said to me about his birthmother recently. He crawled into my bed to wake me up. I leaned over him and gave him a butterfly kiss. He asked what a butterfly kiss was and then made the following comment:

When I was first... more

Most people agree that adoptive parents should not speak ill of an adopted child’s birthparents. Because the adopted child is biologically related to his birthparents, they share a connection. Speaking ill of his birthparents has the potential of making the child feel badly about himself.

But what if the birthparent was abusive to the child? Is it ever okay, or even beneficial, to speak ill of the child’s birthparent? This is a controversial area in adoptive parenting, and people on either side of the issue generally feel very strongly about their position.

I... more

On Mondays, I drive two daughters to therapy 2+hrs each way. For most of the ride home yesterday, we discussed which of my kids’ birthparents I’d met and not met, seen pictures of, etc.

All of my kids are enthralled with any information they get about their birth parents, from the ones who lovingly chose an adoption plan to even the ones who had abused the children in their pasts. They cherish any information. So much so that this once led to a problem. Then 9yr old Rebecca became very upset with me. We’d been working on every child’s scrapbooks... more

Continued from previous post.

Some young girls from the era covered in Fessler's book who became pregnant found the voice to say no to the social forces that were pressing in on them to go away, hide, and surrender their children. They married, or had back alley abortions, or raised their children alone. They chose their own path instead of the one society was hellbent on placing them on. But, were their lives any less challenging than the girls who went away? Didn't... more

As I wrote in my previous post, I am on page 100 of The Girls Who Went Away. My response to what I have read so far has been surprisingly muted. Keep in mind that it is all relative. I can be a bit of a drama queen and can really work myself up into a manic frenzy of emotion with surprising efficiency. Umm, it's a minor character flaw that I have learned to self-monitor and self-regulate with equal efficiency.

When I wrote that I would have to work up the courage to read The Book as I like to call it, I said that I knew I would... more

Well, much of what was on my mind about coercion in open adoption and that I planned to write about has already been touched upon in one way or another in the comments on my first post on the topic. I think what many of the comments reveal is how important open communication is in open adoption. Without open communication there can be no such thing as an open adoption. At least, I don't think there can be. And the open communication has to start long before the decision is made to agree to an open adoption.

I don't know how well open adoption fosters open communication.... more

I posted a comment to Coley's blog recently about what happens when adoptive parents in open adoptions decide to close the adoption. As I always write, I learn something every day from reading the blogs at www.adoption.com.

I did not even know that an adoptive parent could close an open adoption with what sounds like relative ease. Am I to understand that an open adoption is only open for as long as the adoptive parents want it to... more

I can see my personality traits awaken in my daughter. She talks like me, has picked up my cleaning tendencies, she has my nurturing personality and has learned my mannerisms. I also see traits of another woman. The Woman who gave her life, the woman I never met. I imagine that this Woman has the same deep brown eyes, fiery temper and hearty laugh as Livi. As I plan my daughter’s second birthday party my thoughts drift to her birth/first Mom. I know she must thinking about her as this special day approaches.

I have a deep respect... more

There are some powerful topics in adoption that are revisited time and again. Search and reunion is one of them. I have always assumed that I would be the one leading the search and reunion charge for my daughters, but as I have read more about the experience I have come to understand that they may not even want me involved in the process.

I believe we have established something of a psychological relationship with the reality of their mother so that if my girls choose to go it alone they will be emotionally prepared for the reunion experience. Still, I... more

Dear First Mom:

In case you ever wonder, "Do they think about me, do they talk about me?" Let me assure you, we do. Not daily, but often enough that you are never far from their little hearts, my mind, and our collective thoughts.

Many months ago, I wrote on a different blog which I no longer maintain about a night when we were all sitting around the kitchen table doing what we usually do--laughing, talking, and gobbling down our food. At one point our (yours, mine, and my husband's) oldest daughter took notice of who in the family looked and sounded... more