I wrote in a recent post about how I’d been looking over old e-mails to our children’s social worker, just as we were beginning to explore adoption. One of those early e-mails warned that the kids were sometimes too cute for their own good, in that people were tempted to overlook a great deal that they ought not to, in light of the severe behavioral issues they had at the time.

It’s still been a struggle to figure out exactly what methods work best with each little personality.... more

There has been discussion over on the Christian Adoption Blog about how much involvement a child should have in making restitution. The debate, I think, stems from whether or not you feel the child has control over the issue or not.

If a child vomits, as was the scenario one reader chose, generally speaking one would assume that is involuntary and thus a parent would operate under their usual modis operandus. If it is deliberate, to my way of thinking, the child must be involved in making restitution since... more

For some time now, I’ve observed that right around the time my oldest goes through a growth spurt, we start to see really wonky behavior: crankiness, sleeping more, eating like there’s no tomorrow, and the like.

Though I saw, and still see, this with him, being that he was our only child, it didn’t occur to me to look for this same tie-in with our newest arrivals. But, boy, something is definitely in the air! My youngest has shown signs of regressing to certain behaviors we’ve not seen since shortly after his arrival here. He’s throwing mild tantrums, and being whiny, clingy and verbally very cranky.

My daughter, who lost another tooth today, has also displayed some undesirable... more

Many adopted children have some form of special need. Whether that special need arose from life before entering an adoptive home, from prenatal care, or just the way that life turned out, some adopted children are resistant to the forms of discipline that work well for other children. For those children, we adoptive parents need to get creative!

I have tried just about every type of discipline, both positive and negative, with my son that was not abusive. Because of his Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity... more

Spanking is one of the most controversial areas of discipline, and the controversy only heightens when you throw adoption into the mix. I know a man who adopted an older child whose birth parents had routinely beaten the child and his siblings. This adoptive father had to find alternative ways to curb the child's behavior. He pointed out that when a child has endured numerous beatings, a swat on the behind is not going to make a difference in his behavior.

While what this adoptive father said is true, I see the real damage coming from the flashbacks that a... more

Time outs are the big fad of this generation. I have used them myself with varying levels of success. I found that time outs worked better when my son was younger. As he has moved on to his school-age years, I find that putting objects into time out works much more effectively to curb his behavior than putting him into time out.

People do time outs in different ways, but most agree on the formula of one minute of time out per year of life. For example, you would put a two-year-old child into time out for two minutes. When my son was a toddler, I gave... more

I am big fan of the book Parenting With Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. The focus of the book is on teaching children responsibility, and the authors point out that human beings learn best through making mistakes. When we have the freedom to make the wrong choice, we learn from the logical consequences of our actions and then make a better choice the next time.

One example they provide... more

Another way I teach my child discipline is by encouraging him to do for himself whenever possible. I am a big fan of Maria Montessori, who saw that enabling a child to do for himself is a gift to the child. Most children want to feel like a productive member of a group. (Some children who have suffered abuse are an exception.)

Some older adopted children, particularly those suffering from Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), might resist taking responsibility for themselves, but learning... more

Many people think of discipline as only using the negative tools, such as spankings or time outs. I have found that positive discipline tools can be very effective for teaching or changing some behaviors. I try to start with using positive discipline tools for teaching or changing any behavior that does not have the potential to cause personal or property damage.

Positive discipline tools can help build a child's self-esteem, which is particularly important for the adopted child who was sent the message that he was "worthless" before joining your home. Abused children... more

When thinking about discipline, I believe it is important to think through your goals in disciplining a child. If your goal is just to curb a child's behavior in a particular situation, then you are missing the bigger picture. We want our children to learn from the discipline we impose and be able to apply what they have learned to future situations. Otherwise, we will constantly be punishing our children and having to have the same conversations each time they enter into any new situation. While this is not a good dynamic for any parent/child relationship,... more