All children go through emotional growth periods where they seem to have a deeper understanding of the world around them and their place in it. You can see it when your toddler begins to feel safe in playing 10 feet away, and then in the next room. Adopted children go through these emotional growth periods in their understanding of their adoption, and what the adoption means to them personally. In an open adoption, you may begin talking about birthparents, and visiting them as you leave the hospital. A toddler cannot completely understand about adoption or birthparents. However,... more

A new study found that children who were exclusively breastfed for at least the first three months of life scored about six points higher on IQ tests at six years old then those who were bottle fed or partially bottle fed. As an adoptive parent, do you feel a twinge of guilt when you hear about this type of study? Yes, it is possible to breastfeed adopted babies for some people who are able to plan a few months in advance. However, it takes a lot of effort, doesn’t always work, and if the birthmother... more

Many teenagers were adopted as infants and might be the only adopted child in the family. Therefore, they wouldn’t have a clue what their parents went through so many years ago to adopt. Danea explains it quite well. “From the time your parents decided to adopt you, their lives have been scrutinized, analyzed, and picked apart by total strangers. Their destiny, and yours, was at the mercy of these strangers who searched for flaws in their personalities, abilities, intellect, and potential parenting skills.” That is pretty much what our adoptive family has gone through... more

I heard a sad story about a teenage adoptee who is having a hard time coming to grips with having been abandoned as a child. Unfortunately, that is the history of many adopted children, particularly in poor or overpopulated countries where leaving the baby abandoned is the cultural way of relinquishing parental rights. We even have this happening in the United States through the safe haven laws, which allow birthmothers to "abandon" their babies in specific places and immediately relinquish their... more

In my last post, Reasons to Tell Adopted Child About Adoption, I shared a link to an insightful post called What About MY Rights? that was written by an adoptee named IzzyMom. IzzyMom's post provides a lot of insight into the mind of an adult adoptee. I think that we adoptive parents can learn a lot from her post.

I have talked with adoptive parents who feel insecure about their adult adopted child... more

When I was waiting to adopt, I remember reading that adoptive parents should never use abandonment as a form of punishment for an adopted child. Unfortunately, I cannot remember where I read this, but I remember the author saying that an adopted child is more likely to react with a much stronger fear of abandonment than a child who was not adopted. Personally, I cannot imagine threatening to abandon my child, no matter how he joined my family, but I thought this observation was an interesting... more

In my post What if Your Adopted Child Really was “Unwanted”?, I received a very sad comment from OwensMama about her situation. Her 3-1/2 year old adopted child’s birthmother did not want him, and OwensMama is agonizing over how to talk with him about this as he grows.

Here is part of OwensMama’s comment:

[The adoption] paperwork contains a direct written sentence from his... more

In my post Reassuring the “Unwanted” Adopted Child, I shared that my son believed his birthmother placed him for adoption because she did not want him. This could not be farther from the truth. However, as John pointed out in the comments, there are adopted children whose birthmothers truly did not want them. How do you help an adopted child to cope with this level of rejection?

I posted about my... more

My son broke my heart the other day when he said, “My real mom didn’t want me.” Even though I know that feeling “unwanted” is a normal issue for an adopted child to work through, it surprised me for these words to come out of the mouth of my six-year-old child. I have heard that being “chosen” does not alleviate the pain of first being “unchosen” for an adopted child. How can adoptive parents help a child work through these feelings?

What makes this even more frustrating is knowing that he was never... more

“There must be something wrong with me if my own birthmother wouldn’t keep me.” I’ve heard this expressed in adoption circles many times. Interestingly, I’ve only ever heard this from adults involved in adoption. Birth parents, adoptive parents, others will wonder if this is what adopted children might think. I’ve never actually heard this statement from an adopted child of any age. (I’m sure this is not because it’s never been the feeling of an adopted child. I’m only noting that in all of the adopted children I’ve had or heard of, I’ve not... more